Jersey Shore: Girl on Girl Action

Now that we've taken the eight guidos from Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, out of their natural habitat, they deserve a vacation! At the Italian shore a strange love develops, and then there is an accident. Guidos in peril!

There actually wasn't that much happening in the latest dispatch from Florence, other than Snooki and Deena getting incredibly drunk, but that's not really anything new, but it's still fun. It's like the monkeys throwing feces at the zoo. It's gross and smelly and a little bit uncouth, but you've seen it before. Actually, you see it every damn time, but every time it's a little bit different and a little bit of a thrill.

But before we get to that, we need to look at some key terms so we can assess their most recent bout of poop hurling.

  • Riccione: An Italian beach destination that not only looks similar to Seaside Heights, but the denizens there behave very similarly to the guidos, by partying, drinking heavily, and spending too much time in the sun and too much money on tacky clothing.
  • Abducted: This doesn't refer to a kidnapping, at least a literal one. It is a state of inebriation that is so intense that the victim loses all control of their senses. It's like liquor has kidnapped their normal personality and replaced it with a slurring Slopasaurus Rex who will not be satisfied until everything in its vicinity is destroyed. There is no ransom for this abduction.
  • Vagine: This is what the guidos think is the Italian word for "vagina." They use this in public so they can talk about their naughty bits and not offend the natives. They are wrong. Saying this in public really upsets creepy men with mustaches who wander into bars to randomly harass drunk women who say "vagine." For the record, the Italian word for "vagina" is vagina.
  • Swacking: To jack someone's swag. There will be a full lesson on this a bit later.

The guidos, who are debatably the people least deserving of a vacation in the entire planet (on the entire planet?) get to go on a trip to Riccione. They don't deserve it because they'd rather drink wine and hide in garbage cans than actually work at their fake pizzeria job. Still they're going. As stated above, Riccione is like the Seaside Heights of Italy, and Marco, their long-suffering boss, says he has lost entire pieces of his brain there from all the partying he has done. This excites the guidos to no end. This sounds like their kind of place.

And it is, except for one thing: the people there don't wear enough clothing. When they arrive, they see women sunbathing nude and men walking around in tiny European bathing suits. They're called Speedos, because they were invented on the island of Speedo which, according to Greek lore, is a lost island of homosexual males that was somewhere off the coast of Lesbos. It was sort of a brother island, but it sank into the Mediterranean, because the citizens (who worshiped an angry female god named Diva) partied so incredibly hard and had so much sex with each other, that the island just fell out of sight one day. The only thing that survived is their swimwear and a little pile of glitter floating on the waves.

That history lesson aside, it's ironic that the guidos, of all people, are critical of others not wearing much clothing in public. These are a people that can barely keep any of their flesh covered at any time, and yet as soon as someone else is naked, they get weirded out. For people that are judged harshly by mainstream society, the guido does not have much tolerance for those that are different from them.

Now, let's see what happens when Snooki and Deena decide to take Riccione on just the two of them.

As soon as Deena and Snooki arrive in town, they find a bar near the ocean and start taking shots served by Giuseppe Duritz, the dreaded Italian cousin of rocker Adam. They get so incredibly drunk that not even Sammi and JWOWW want to hang out with them. They escape to their hotel room.

But Snooki and Deena do not want to go home. No, they hear the infectious beats of house music rumbling on the wind. They hop a fence and cut through a parking lot and find a club on the beach that is open. They call this place Heaven.

When they get their, they engage in a strange and arcane cultural ritual. The guidos are known for calling the dance floor the "battlefield" and they approach their dancing like its a conflict. Drunkenly, Snooki and Deena think they will engage in an Italian form of stylized warfare: the bullfight. Snooki pretends to be the bull and Deena the matador. They face off on the dance floor in this traditional tango of man and beast. It is a match up for the ages, as Snooki rushes at Deena and ends up flinging herself into a bush. "I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop." She cries. That is all of Snooki's problems rolled up into one sentence. She couldn't stop.

Now if only the ladies would realize that there are no bullfights in Italy.

The rest of the guidos manage to pull themselves together and go to dinner, however Deena and Snooki are too drunk to tell time or care about being punctual, so they stumble in as the meal is done to pick up the scraps. Then it is time for the club, where a whole different set of problems arises.

Deena is so drunk and so into parting that she actually dances her panties off. We saw it! They actually came undone and shimmied down her leg, like the last trickle of tinkle that didn't quite make it into the bowl. So, she has no panties.

For anyone who has spent even 3 seconds with Deena knows, she likes to do a dance move called the Jersey Turnpike, where she grabs her ankles, sticks her ass out in the air, and has a man grind her from behind. When drunk she likes to do this same move in reverse, which entails her bending backwards and shoving her vagina in the air. The problem at the club is that she does this with no panties on in front of a glass wall, and shows off everything under her skirt to the crowd. According to JWOWW, she also needs to wax.

But the strange thing about guido genitalia is, it is not shaped like normal person's genitals. No. They are actually quite blurry. In fact, whenever you see a guido in the buff, there is a just a giant pixellated field where their nether regions should be. Modern scientists are unsure if this is some sort of illusion created by their pubic hair or if their reproductive organs are somehow arranged in a massive gnat swarm of the crotch. No one has ever gotten close enough to determine first hand. If the latter is true, then their term "smushing" would be appropriate, because the act of intercourse would be more about rubbing two blobs together than actually inserting one into the other.

It's not just Deena's vagina that's getting her in trouble, it's the rest of her.

Now that Deena's vagina has gotten some air, it needs some attention, and it picks its nearest target: Snooki.

OK, I'm just gonna say it. Deena is a lesbian. She is a muff-diving, flannel-wearing, Indigo Girls-listening, mullet-having, Dinah Shore weekend-going, daughter of Sappho. It's true! The one time she played around with Busted Eriqua I initially chalked up to experimentation, but this is like the third time that Deena has made out with a girl. As JWOWW pointed out, this wasn't like a Mardi Gras make out to turn on the guys (they were actually disgusted) this was like a full-fledged, hours-long face sucking session. JWOWW even claims that one of them had their legs in the air during the night for some box munching.

Deena says they didn't "do sex," because even blacked out she remembers that, but I don't know. Maybe they did? What I do know is that Deena, who always behaves more like a guido male than a guidette, is a lesbian. She as soon as she gets drunk enough the barriers come down and her true desires surface. She just needs to come out and face it and embrace it. That's the only way to live.

But it make sense why she doesn't. Everyone is grossed out by her tryst with Snooki, especially JWOWW who, shockingly, has never made out with a girl—at least while we were watching. You figure she'd be just the type to have a Wild Things moment in a pool with some other girl, but she hasn't. This disgust at her behavior might convince Deena that her friends are against gay people. I don't think that the guidos are necessarily homophobic, however. No, I think their repulsion has to do with inauthenticity.

To the guido there is no greater crime than being fake and so they see this make out session as a crime. They see it as Snooki and Deena not being true to themselves and pulling a stunt for attention. They find that to be entirely gross. However, if Deena were to come out as a lesbian, I think they would all cheer her on when she hooks up with a girl just as they would for any other member of the tribe when he or she lands a new mate. Yes, this has more to do with what they perceive as living a lie than a hatred of the actual act.

Snooki is not a lesbian. She's just a wasted mess. She does have to confess her behavior to her boyfriend Jionni, however. Given that he is consistently embarrassed by her more outlandish behavior, I figured he would be against their flagrant and public sexual exploration. But he doesn't seem to mind so much. Well, that's that!

Still, in the morning they woke up smelling like "sweat and regret" as Vinny so eloquently says, and Snooki can go back to her man but Deena, poor lonely Deena, sat quietly in the back of the Fiat for the entire ride home licking her lips to taste the tiny bit of pickle-flavored lip gloss that was still left on her lips from Snooki, dreaming of the soft warm folds of her body pressed against hers, and longing for that feminine touch once again.

The real trouble for Snooki started when they got home.

Here is Snooki's world famous accident where she crashes into a cop car and gets arrested. Thanks to our advanced scouts we already knew this was happening, so it wasn't a big surprise. What was shocking is that Deena wasn't wearing a seat belt while riding shotgun with an awful driver. Deena, the closet isn't so bad that you should have a death wish.

The funniest thing is Snooki is freaked out about going in the back of a cop car again after having PTSD from her drunken arrest in Seaside last summer. I totally understand that, but if you want to stay out of a cop car, then why are you doing stupid things like driving erratically without your license? Should you be sticking closer to the letter of the law if you don't want to end up on the other side of it? Surely, we'll have the fallout for this next week.

I promised we would come back to talking about "swacking" and here we are. As DJ Paulie Dialog explains, this term is a portmanteau of the words "swag" and "jacking." It means someone biting your style. That just sucks, especially for the guido who, as we know, prizes authenticity above all else.

The primary swacker in the house is Ronnie, who is always trying to copy DJ Paulie Duplicate. That makes sense, because DJ Paulie Daddy is pretty fucking cool. He's what advertising types would call a "tastemaker" and he's the one that tells all his friends about the cool new music and clothes and gadgets and penis piercings and all that stuff. He's an "influencer."

His influence is clear on Ronnie, who is by far the most insecure of all the guidos. He puts on the big muscles and tattoos and clothes so that he can fit in with the crew, so he can seem like one of them. But for him it's more of an act than his true being. DJ Paulie Diaspora is a fully-realized person. He just is who he is and doesn't apologize for it and his originality is contagious, which is why the other men affect his verbal ticks and personal style. But Ronnie most of all. He wants to fit in, he wants to be embraced, and he thinks he can do that by being just like DJ Paulie (i)D(ol).

But he can't. All the other guidos laugh at him behind his back because he has nothing to call his own, other than constantly brawling with Sammi. He has no catchphrase, no nickname, not defining characteristic other than the Hulk-like rages he goes into because of the chemicals he injects into his body. Ronnie is cold and alone, wanting to connect with the humans around him, but not knowing how and every time he tries, SWACK!, he's put right back in his place.