You Will Soon Collapse in a HeapS

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

  • As your quasi-physician, I'm going to be completely honest with you: your metal hips will soon collapse into a twisted pile of rusted metal, poking who knows where through your leg as you whine helplessly from the ground. It could be kind of cool to watch.
  • The smoking rate in big bad New York City has fallen to 14%, mirroring a decline in the city's hardcoreness and badassness. The danger is a domino effect into the fuck youness and Backdafuckupness of the city, as well.
  • Scientists have discovered that laughter has the effect of reducing pain. You could almost say that laughter really is the best medicine! God, I knew you would say that. Shut up.
  • Are your kids drinking enough low fat milk? I don't know, seems like a really subjective question. Instead shouldn't we ask, "Are your kids dead?" That's one that people can answer.
  • Teens, sex, and vaccines. What do these three things have to do with health? Nobody knows.
  • There's been a big increase lately in children being poisoned by medications. Take it as a learning experience, Americans: just poison your kids with regular poison, the old-fashioned way.
  • This new homeopathic shit called Arnica is the hot new thing for healing everything. The question everyone wants to know is, "Does it really work? And if so, can I have some for 'review' purposes? Just have it sent over to me at the Gawker Media offices." Is what everyone is asking now.
  • How new idea out of China: have your babies in a hospital, rather than out in some hut somewhere. But could it ever catch on in other countries?
  • Over in Serbia, people say that their kids are magnetic, because spoons stick to them. One debunker says it's nothing more than "one smooth, sticky surface adhering to another smooth surface." Either way, do you think the Jaguars will win this weekend? I do.
[Photo: sanberdoo/ Flickr]