Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis Are Not Sexting Each Other

Unfortunately, the two stars claim that a sexy pictures rumor is just that, a rumor. Also today: January Jones skips the Emmys, Chris Evans competes for ladies, a sad Taylor Amstrong tale, and a sadder Aniston one.

  • Fully realized sexual beings Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis did not, repeat DID NOT, send sexy nude pictures to each other, despite some rumors that were swirling around last week. Spokespersons for the entertainers have released a joint statement refuting the claim that Kunis' phone was hacked and that it contained pictures of Kunis in the bathtub and of Timbuhleek's timber. The statement is mostly serious but includes a "Dick in a Box" joke, because nothing is better in 2011 than a "Dick in the Box" joke. So, sorry guys. Seems you will not be seeing sextual textuals from these sexpots anytime soon. Meanwhile, JC Chasez and Laura Prepon are desperately sending pictures of their butts and front parts to each other, picture after picture, while holding their cellphones out on Robertson Blvd. saying "Yoohooo, hackers...." Sad. [Us]
  • Here are your options for worst-dressed at last night's Emmy Awards: Heidi Klum in her brain dress, Julianna Margapopolies in her lampshade, or Glee's Jayma Mays for wearing the dress that Carrie White was buried in. Who will you pick? It is a very important decision, as the loser and the designer of the losing dress will of course be entombed in a cave together, left to suffocate and die like at the end of Aida. Choose wisely! [Us]
  • Mensa scholar and Mad Men line reader January Jones was not at last night's Emmy Awards celebration because she just gave birth to her son, Xander Dane. Instead the two spent a quiet evening at home, Jones trying to put a circle peg into the triangle hole and getting frustrated until Xander gently guided her hand to the right place. He then burped his mother, put her to bed, and had a glass of wine while watching the television on mute. [Us]
  • Uh oh, a cock fight! Two swordsman, actor Chris Evans and tomato-based snowboarder Shaun White, were seen this weekend during a party at New York's Hotel on Rivington competing for the affections of the ladies. One blonde lady in particular seemed to get the two gentlemen's engines revving, but pity for poor Tomatohead, Chris Evans snagged the prize. Later on, Evans was "pushed up against the window" by all of his adoring fans, and I'm sure Shaun White made out OK too. The next morning their dates both woke up in hotel rooms, quickly dressed, and sneaked out. They stood together in silence in the elevator, clutching jackets and purses, both already forgetting which one they'd ended up with. [P6]
  • Here's a nice story. It seems that Taylor Armstrong, the Real Housewife from Beverly Hills whose estranged husband committed suicide last month, was paid $125,000 by Entertainment Tonight for handing over several photos that show her covered in bruises caused by, allegedly, her husband battering her. Apparently Armstrong is broke and this was a quick way to make money, so there you have it. Isn't that such a pleasant story? Don't you feel good about everything involved in it? It's just a nice tale about nice people coming from a nice part of the world. I can't wait to tell my kids this story as they try to fall asleep, their eyes widening with sadness and terror as they realize what a cruel, pointy world they've been unwillingly dragged into. Nighty night, kids! [P6]
  • Apparently Rob Lowe was in a scary plane ride, lots of turbulence and stuff, but he was totally cool, even though other people were screaming, and afterward he took a photo with the pilots and stuff. Nice job, Lowe. Not scary for you at all. The actually scary thing? His 18-year-old son works for Eric Cantor. Eric Cantor?? Aahhh!! We're all gonna die!!!! [P6]
  • It seems that divorcing couple Marc Anthony and J.Lo Lopez were seen together on Anthony's birthday at their house in Miami. Imagine that. Two adults putting aside their personal problems for the sake of their children on their father's birthday. I can't even comprehend that. Did they throw any lawn furniture at each other? Were their publicists there, communicating with each other through BlackBerry? Was there a camera crew for Extra following J.Lopes around for some sort of special about her line of disposable clothing, so she had to be on her best behavior? Was Marc Anthony trying once and for all to undo the warlock's vanishing spell by being a kind person with "a true heart of gold," as the hex demanded? I just can't imagine how two grownups could be civil to one another in front of their children when they are GETTING DIBBORCED. That is not supposed to happen. I'm sure you've both disappointed everyone greatly. But especially [TMZ]
  • Ohhhh look at these photos. Old lady Aniston was seen in New Yorked Cities this weekend strolling around the West's Village with her new paid gentleman, Justin Theroux. Look how romantic it all seems, with the warm dapples of autumn light caressing her tawny, buffed skin. Theroux's ridiculous 20-year-old rocker clothes blackly gleaming. The pleasant sound of city traffic almost drowning out the constant whine and clatter and creak and clunk of Aniston's glue-and-tape heart, that old wheezing machine that keeps breaking. Ah autumn! But, alas, how soon will the light begin to disappear? When will cold, dark, lonely winter come and swallow it up? When it does, I hope poor Jennifer will remember this day, this brief warm moment of peace and protection before, of course, as always, something, that old mean spirit or force, came and took it away. Poor wretched, accursed Jennifer Aniston! The saddest, most miserable lady in this big gray city. [Radar]

[Photo via Getty]