'All Natural Food' Means Nothing

Are you a pretty savvy and health conscious person who maintains a slim and attractive physique along with the body of a much younger human by dining solely on "all natural" foodstuffs? Congrats, good for you. You are dumb.

I'm sorry; that's harsh. It's early in the morning, I haven't had my coffee, and the portions of my brain that regulate emotion have been eroded for decades by the murky industrial chemicals injected into the processed food that makes up my everyday diet. What I'm trying to say is simply that, according to the WSJ, the term "all natural" doesn't mean jack shit.

The most meaningful guidance provided by the FDA is a vague "informal policy" written by the agency more than 20 years ago defining "natural" to mean "nothing artificial or synthetic... is included in, or has been added to, the product that would not normally be expected to be there."

Among the natural items that makers of "all natural" food expect to be there: high fructose corn syrup, genetically modified plants, and sodium benzoate. Mmm, benzene. You know what else is all natural? Arsenic, lead, and hemlock. The three main ingredients of Mountain Dew.

Have fun dying young unexpectedly, healthy people. The rest of us will die young as expected.

[WSJ. Photo: Bennett/ Flickr]