The Republican presidential candidates are debating tonight in Orlando, shining city of "corporate amusement parks"! Our hosts for the evening are Fox News and Google, who have planned all sorts of gimmicky social media bullshit to whiz by the candidates' faces throughout the evening. Which of these nine suckers will lose the most? Let us consider that, and other concerns.
Here's what you need — need! — to know about tonight's broadcast:
- Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson made it into this one! This will be the first debate appearance for the official "Other Libertarian" since Fox News' first playdate in May. To what low stunts will he sink in order to ensure further debate appearances? Beating up Mitt Romney with a five-iron, or beating up Rick Perry with a five-iron? These are your options, Johnson.
- Since Google is presumably paying for the lights here, the candidates will be forced to take some dumb questions from the Internet that the moderator will allow one candidate to respond to, poorly, before moving on to Fox News' official dumb questions. The most popular user-submitted question so far comes from John, Bronx, New York: "With so many people waiting years if not decades to enter this country legally, why do we give illegals so many benefits, like free health care, schooling, and in-state-tution while denying these things to American citizens and legal residents?" Don't forget the free Rolls Royces that Barack Obama personally gives all illegal immigrants at the first rest stop across the border, John!
- How will Michele Bachmann deal with the 45 minutes or so of questions about her claim that Rick Perry's "government injections" of Gardasil made a little girl retarded? Will she double down on this baseless story that, thanks to her, will affect the medical community for years? Because that would be horribly unprofessional, selfish, and most importantly, fun to watch.
- Audience members for two consecutive debates have found opportunities to cheer on human death, whether it's by capital punishment or lack of affordable medical care. So maybe it's best, for everyone's sanity, that the moderators don't bring up Troy Davis tonight.
- Don't you love the Google Blog's word cloud of online questions featured up top? Like any good word cloud, it tells you absolutely nothing.