White House Solicits Ideas from Internet, Internet Demands WeedS

The Obama administration has launched a new website for people to submit petitions, because, well, the government's broken, so why not see what the internet is up to? And what the internet is up to is, as usual, demanding the legalization of weed.

The White House has promised to "review and "issue an official response" to any petition that gets more than 5,000 "signatures" in 30 days. And as of this post, five of the twelve most popular—including the number-one most-signed—petitions on their shiny new website concern marijuana and the war on drugs.

The White House had to have expected this, right? In January, when the president did a YouTube Q&A, 198 of the top 200 questions (as voted on by users) were about marijuana prohibition. It's more than fair to demand that the president address a set of policies that involve spending huge amounts of money to send huge numbers of black and Latino people to jail over what amounts to a public health issue! Ha, just kidding, LOL, stoners, the internet loves to smoke pot!! Am I right? (That was essentially the president's YouTube response.)

But let's not get sidetracked! The internet is demanding more than just free marijuana for life: there are four petitions relating to animal cruelty, three about the TSA and the Patriot Act, and two that would require the government to "formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race." We're willing to get behind all of those positions. But the one really near and dear to our hearts is the petition demanding that the Justice Department "Try Casey Anthony in Federal Court for Lying to the FBI Investigators," if only because we really can't want to see the White House's official statement on that one.

Here's a list of the 39 petitions currently on the site:

  • Legalize and Regulate Marijuana in a Manner Similar to Alcohol 26,067 signatures
  • Abolish the TSA, and use its monstrous budget to fund more sophisticated, less intrusive counter-terrorism intelligence 16,066 signatures
  • Call an Investigation into Allegations of Prosecutorial & Judicial Misconduct in the Case of Sholom Rubashkin 13,172 signatures
  • Edit the Pledge of Allegiance to remove the phrase "Under God" 9,917 signatures
  • Allow Industrial Hemp to be Grown in the U.S. Once Again 7,581 signatures
  • Legalize, regulate, and tax marijuana. 7,401 signatures
  • Stop Interfering With State Marijuana Legalization Efforts 7,208 signatures
  • Remove "In God We Trust" from currency 6,685 signatures
  • Direct the Patent Office to Cease Issuing Software Patents 6,511 signatures
  • Stop Animal Homelessness at Its Roots 6,463 signatures
  • Restore democracy by ending corporate personhood. 5,389 signatures
  • End the destructive, wasteful and counterproductive "War on Drugs" 4,757 signatures
  • Reallocate Defense funds to NASA. 4,687 signatures
  • Remove tax exemption from churches and allow them to apply like a non-profit organization 4,667 signatures
  • Repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. 4,600 signatures
  • End the Patriot Act 4,099 signatures
  • Repeal the Patriot Act 3,791 signatures
  • protect consumers, create jobs and generate revenue by licensing and regulating online poker. 3,601 signatures
  • formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race - Disclosure. 3,209 signatures
  • Forgive Student Loan Debt to Stimulate the Economy and Usher in a New Era of Innovation, Entrepreneurship and Prosperity 3,122 signatures
  • Grant voters the ability to vote for the President of the United States by dissolving the electoral college. 2,877 signatures
  • Give States the Freedom to Establish Their Own Marijuana Laws. 2,550 signatures
  • not veto Palestine's application to become a member of the United Nations. 2,499 signatures
  • End discrimination based on Sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. 1,742 signatures
  • Reject the Keystone XL Pipeline 1,682 signatures
  • Try Casey Anthony in Federal Court for Lying to the FBI Investigators 1,640 signatures
  • grant clemency to Native American activist Leonard Peltier without delay. 1,479 signatures
  • ban the Sale, trade, and possession of Shark and Shark products, including Shark fin. 1,308 signatures
  • End taxpayer subsidies for new nuclear reactors 1,290 signatures
  • Help Families Avoid Foreclosure,stabilize the Housing Market, and Boost the Economy: Adopt the Principal Paydown Plan 959 signatures
  • Immediately disclose the government's knowledge of and communications with extraterrestrial beings 897 signatures
  • give the National Guard a seat on the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 736 signatures
  • Restore humane horse slaughter to improve horse welfare,stop needless & wasteful suffering & create jobs.711 signatures
  • Allow seriously Backlogged EB2/EB3 Beneficiaries with Their I-140 Approved to File I-485 and Apply for EAD & AP 702 signatures
  • Legal Employment-based Immigration Petitioners Help U.S. Companies and Should NOT be Heavily
  • Backlogged for Years 700 signatures
  • Support a Ban on Horse Slaughter 287 signatures
  • Allow BASE Jumping in National Parks 283 signatures
  • eliminate the permanent division of retention/retirement pay of members of the Uniformed Services in a divorce 243 signatures
  • Ban non-therapeutic routine infant circumcision. 191 signatures
  • [White House]