Jennifer Lopez's Pained Fist Pumps and Half-Naked Lap Dances Last All NightS

J.Lo parties until 3:30AM, and looks like she might be straining herself. LuAnn de Lesseps dances on a table. Who stole David Copperfield's precious magician award? Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger need three larger-than-life bronze statues of himself? Monday gossip goes too far.

  • Still on her weird post-Marc Anthony rumspringa, Jennifer Lopez went dancing—and received a lapdance from a hot guy who ripped his shirt off!—at a club in Las Vegas, and the result was some of the funniest pictures I have ever seen of an ostensibly coordinated human who theoretically enjoys dancing. (More here, here, and here.) Look how half-hearted that fist pump is. How dead she is in the eyes. "Yes, here I am. I am J.Lo. Take the goddamn picture. Did you see when that one guy gave me a lap dance? Start a rumor about boy toys, or a one-night stand, I don't even care, just something about how over my ex-husband I am, then make a pun about my butt, and print it in a magazine. Did you get your goddamn picture? Take the goddamn picture. Good. Now go tell my manager to pull the limo up to the side door." After these pictures were taken, J.Lo apparently danced on a couch in a "private area" until 3:30AM. I refuse to believe that she did anything other than storm out the door, angrily, and scream at an underling for an hour or two, for therapeutic purposes. [People, images via Getty]
  • Speaking of middle-aged ladies dancing incongruously, Countess LuAnn de Lesseps danced on a table at a fancy restaurant because they were playing a Katy Perry song she liked. [P6]
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger commissioned three eight-foot-tall bronze statues of himself, cast in the mould of his peak bodybuilding days. One bronze will go to Austria; another to the town that hosts his bodybuilding competition; and another to his own home, so that he can make love to himself every day. [Starpulse]
  • Someone robbed David Copperfield after he hosted a party at his apartment, and stole his "King of Magic" award from the Society of American Magicians. Since it seems to have been an inside job, I'm hoping for magician-on-magician violence featuring daggers flying out of upturned top hats and magic wands that shoot napalm. David says he'll pay $50,000 for the award's safe return. [P6]
  • Anna Wintour is "quietly but persuasively campaigning" (read: "begging and begging and begging," "pulling every string she possibly can") to get Kate Middleton to pose for Vogue. [P6]
  • Kendra Wilkinson says her husband "deserves a lot more sex." This has been your gratuitous story about Kendra Wilkinson's sex life of the day. [E!]
  • Jennifer Garner wants her third child to be another girl. "It would be so weird to have a boy." [People]
  • Jennifer Lopez's Pained Fist Pumps and Half-Naked Lap Dances Last All NightDJ Qualls, the googly-eyed guy who plays every skinny-necked TV oddball ever, tweeted that he was "beaten by a Vancouver Police Officer for no reason" while on location for Supernatural. He says he alerted police to a man punching a woman in public, and then the somehow the officer ended up beating him? He had to go to the ER and get stitches. The hospital bill is $800. Christ, that's nuts. Vancouver authorities are investigating, but say Qualls isn't cooperating. [VancouverSun, E!, image via Getty]
  • Molly Sims married her producer fiance this weekend. Josh Duhamel and Fergie were there. Mazel tov. [People]
  • Ana Ortiz, the actress formerly known as Ugly Betty's sister, gave birth to a boy and named him Rafael. She also has a 2-year-old daughter named Paloma. [Latina]