Mark Zuckerberg Is Killing Progressively Larger Animals

It started, innocently enough, with a lobster. Then Mark Zuckerberg killed a chicken. By the time the Facebook CEO escalated to a pig and a goat — "he cut the goat's throat with a knife," a friend reported — the media took notice. But it was too late.

"My personal challenge is around being thankful for the food I have to eat," Zuckerberg explained to the startled press this past summer. And if a boiling pot of water made him slightly thankful, and if a knife made him very thankful — well, then, the next logical move was to grab a gun and get really quite damn thankful, which according to Fortune is exactly what has happened. Zuckerberg learned to hunt. He got a license. And he shot and killed a bison. The creatures are more "tender and sweeter than beef... [and] lower in fat and cholesterol." You know what else is tender and sweet, and slightly less fatty than a cow? Your typical Facebook user. Zuckerberg's kill crazy meat rampage is supposed to run through the end of the year, and the guy has millions of home addresses in his rolodex. Lock your doors, is all we're saying. And politely decline any suspicious invitations to take a stroll through the woods.