How To Tell If Your Son Is GayS

There's a new Android app out (here's the English version) called "Is My Son Gay?" in which one can answer an easy series of questions ("Are you divorced?") that will tell you if, in fact, your son is a gay person.

Obviously the app is based on science, so it should be taken somewhat seriously, but really I don't think it gets everything right. So below I've provided a better list of ways to tell if your son is a gay person who is gay.

  • If you come home from work and you hear noises upstairs and you go up to investigate and your son's door is open and you catch him "hooking up" (as kids call it today) with his friend Michael, and you quickly turn around and walk back downstairs and later that night over dinner you say "You know, honey, if there's ever anything you need to tell me..." and he says "Mom, I'm gay," then your son is gay.
  • If your son has recently gone to college and hasn't been in touch much and you figure hey he's new to college, he's busy making friends and whatnot, and then late one night he calls you on the phone sounding upset about something and you ask him what's wrong and he's quiet for a while and then says "Nothing's wrong, really, I'm just... Dad, I'm gay," then your son is gay.
  • Has your son ever been on a long drive to one of your daughter's swim meets with you and when stopped at a red light he's turned to you and said "Mom, I feel like I owe it to you and dad to tell you that, well, Donald is my boyfriend. I'm gay"? Then your son is probably gay.
  • Chances are that if you are on your deathbed and your estranged son comes to visit you in the middle of a rainy night and he sits by your bed quietly until he begins to cry and clutches your hand and says "I wish I'd told you sooner that I'm gay" and then you both stay there in silence, you pretending to be asleep, the only noise the beeping of the machines that will only keep you alive for a little while longer, your son is gay.
  • If you and your spouse are ever visiting your son in the big city he now lives in with all his fancy friends and fancy restaurants and you're out to an awkward lunch before your train home and you three get into another pointless fight about years-old stuff and it's really uncomfortable and finally you or your spouse says "Well, if you'd just settle down with the right girl, I think-" and then your son interrupts you by yelling "Guys, I'm GAY. Gay gay gay, gay as gay gets. Have you seen where I live, I mean... God you two are thick. I'm gay. Deal with it," and then you sit there uncomfortably until the check comes and he gives you stiff hugs at the train station and you don't see him or talk to him until Christmas, then he is gay.
  • If your wacky son brings a boy home for dinner after play practice and you two are joking while you do the dishes and he says to you "Hey Ma, so... I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is!" and then you laugh and muss his hair and in the living room your husband shows your son's boyfriend his model ships, then your son is probably gay, though he might be bisexual, so be careful about labeling.
  • If your son ever says "Oh my goodness," when surprised or when opening a gift, well then yeah, he probably gay.
Hope that helps!