Florida stereotype-dad David Andrew Shawfield left his young children in a hot car because he was buying them cold drinks from the supermarket. He was doing it for them. So why shouldn't he blame them for his arrest on child neglect charges?
Shawfield says his beverage run for the kids lasted only10 minutes or so. Unlike moms who leave their kids in hot cars to go tanning, he didn't roll up the windows and lock the doors but kept the doors open so the kids could enjoy the 87-degree weather and maybe talk to some strangers. Nevertheless, a passerby spotted the kids and called the cops. One of Shawfield's kids was found sleeping in the back seat with a seat belt around his neck—which doesn't sound good, but some kids prefer nooses to teddy bears.
When a cop on the scene called a deputy to come pick up Shawfield's beverage-deprived brood, Florida's most loving dad yelled at the kids, "'See? I'm going to jail because you wanted something to drink. I'm never going to get out. I hope you're happy.'" Except for the "never getting out" part—which seems like wishful thinking—nothing he said is untrue. And his comment about happiness shows that he cares about their well-being.
Upon being arrested (three counts of child neglect and three counts of leaving a child unattended in a vehicle—a set of charges for every kid), Shawfield told the arresting officers, "Oh, well. I could use a vacation." In jail, he can receive all the cold drinks he wants—pina coladas served in coconuts, daiquiris with little black-and-white striped paper umbrellas on them, Long Island Mountain Dews, even Fanta. When he writes his kids from jail he'll mention all of these beverages just to stir their guilty feelings.
Speaking of beverages, it's not clear whether Shawfield's thirsty kids ever got theirs. What if they're still thirsty? Oh well, maybe it's time they learn how to drive. The oldest is five.