For several years, British woman Nicole Lindsay says, she had a boyfriend named Lee. Or so she thought she had a boyfriend. Because Lee lacked the proper equipment to be a boyfriend—i.e., a favorite sports team. Oh, and a penis!

Um, so how did they...? What did they...? Right. Well, Lindsay says she's shy about being seen naked, and Lee—whose real name is Samantha Brooks—was also shy about being seen naked, because of the whole "if you see me when the lights are on, then you'll find out I'm totally not a dude" issue. So they did it with the lights off, it seems, with Brooks allegedly using a "modified wooden toilet paper holder" as a trick penis. Modified how, exactly, isn't explained, but we imagine that she painted little flames on the sides, like how people sometimes do to their Trans Ams. The couple reportedly carried on that way on and off for a few years, and eventually decided to get married.

Lindsay's family asked her why her boyfriend didn't have any facial hair or an Adam's Apple, yet she remained unswayed. Then Lee was arrested last September, and Lindsay finally learned that Lee was not only a lady, but a lady who'd previously been jailed for sex crimes against a 14-year-old girl. Brooks was charged with a variety of new crimes related to her fake relationship with Lindsay, including sex by deception. However, the charges were all dropped when an ex-friend of Lindsay's decided to stop cooperating with prosecutors. "When approached, Brooks...declined to discuss her behaviour or her previous conviction and denied she had met Nicole," reports the Daily Mail.

Women always make the worst boyfriends.

[Daily Mail]