Last night's installment of Vincent Price's House of Waxxx introduced us to a ghoulish new character and further developed another recent addition. It's getting crowded up in here!

Yeah, there was more of Brandi Glandville and they introduced a new lady, name'a Dana. And oh good grief they are both terrible. Let's talk about Dana first.

Dana is apparently some sort of party planner and is a friend of Taylor's. So this is totally on Taylor when this all goes to shit. Mustn't that be so stressful, to be the one who brings in a Housewife? "Hi, this is my friend Delores, I think she's great," and then Dolores walks in on her peg leg, farting and wheezing, eyes dripping goo, drunk as a koala bear, saying racist things. "Isn't Delores great?" It's just a lot of pressure! But these wives do it all the time. Most recently Alexis brought the nefarious crab demon Peggy into Orange County, and now Taylor has pulled back the curtain and said "Presentinggggg..... DANA!" and a raspy-voiced idiot in blue jeans stumbled out. And that's Dana.

I read on the internet somewhere (we have a crack research team here) that Dana is a party planner, but mostly she seems like a woman of leisure. I think she mostly stumbles around her mansion wearing various gowns. Last night Taylor took Kyle over to Dana's house so they could be formally introduced and when they got there Dana was wearing a wedding dress and a tiara. Oops, caught her! Ooooooops! Ding dong, people at the door, and here she was in a wedding dress and a fucking crown. What a coinky! Really she hadn't had any notice beyond the extensive conversations with producers, so she was so caught off guard when the doorbell rang and there she was in her wedding dress and diamond hat. Yeah, she tried to play it off like a "Oh, you just caught me trying on wedding dresses," which is an insane thing to do in 2011 on television. It's just a funny old trick from like an old comedy. "Oh, haha, this old thing? I was just trying it on when I heard you knock..." Crazy, Dana. You're crazy.

Kyle was all [bah-liiiinkkkkkkkkk] about this Dana character while Taylor did her patented sad Taylor smile and tried to act like everything was fine and normal. "It's Dana! My friend Dana! She's great." And in some ways, she is not wrong. Like, Dana is awful and terrible, but awful and terrible in sort of a good way. After she'd changed out of her sparkle-frock and jewel chapeau, she sat down for lunch with the girls to chit chat and it was great. First off, she had a personal chef make the meal, which was a horrifying slab of salmon atop a compressed pile of mango and avocado. I get what the chef was going for, something light and fun, but it just looked hideous, a big sweaty slab of meat on top of a can of Mango 'n' 'Cado Dippin' Chunks. Yuck. And then to further the yuck, Dana started rasping away about her son, a baby named Kato or Kole or some bullshit whose picture adorned little info fliers that were placed on a table for the taking like it was an open house and Krizzo was the house for sale, and she was all "He's eighteen months, and this is going to sound crazy, but I've got him reading. Yup, I've got him reading and he knows shapes and he speaks Thai." Hahahah. What? "It's amazing, I've got this baby who is doing things that are developmentally impossible. Yeah, he's from outerspace. He's a fucking monster. He's terrifying. He drives cars and alienates his ex-girlfriends and has conflicted feelings about the Middle East. He's very mature for his age. We started looking at coffins because he's got Alzheimers. Tiny, tiny coffins. And he shaves three times a day and swears he's going to quit the damn cigarettes by Chrstimastime, when he's going to fly out to Chicago to see his daughter, who just graduated from Marquette and moved to Evanston with her fiance Dylan, who owns a wine bar. He's catching on so fast! He still shits his plastic underpants, though. There's still that." Truly amazing.

Kyle blinked some more and Taylor smiled awkwardly and Dana lit the bottom of a pack of smokes and played it like a pan flute and somewhere, far away on the East Coast, the Countess Lulu Cracker-Js clapped her hands and laughed and said "I like this broad." Dana is completely ridiculous! But in a completely fun way.

The big event of this episode was that the Maloof had a party at her house for her friends and their kids. For the kids she rented a moon bounce or a bouncy castle or whatever you want to call it and hired two sex-bod lifeguards to watch after the little ankle-biters, while the grownups sat and drank stinking sour wines and eyed each other nervously. There was a funny thing before the guests arrived in which the Maloof was doing her General Patton-like inspection of the ranks and she caught sight of six gold-rimmed champale glasses on the outdoor bar and she was all "Oh no, ohhh no, we're not using those, those are too fancy." Hahah, are they, Maloof? Why, because they're gold at the top? I think you'd be better off throwing those hideous things in the pool and forgetting you ever bought them, but I suppose, as the saying goes, people in garish rococo houses shouldn't throw gilded champagne flutes. That's a common expression in the Maloof household. Makes total sense. So yeah, the Maloof lives a ridiculous life, but for the purposes of this show, in the context of these other people, she's the sane one.

With a terrible shriek and slurp and crash and moan, all the Housewives and others came lurching and slithering up to the manse and were all greeted warmly with a crystal jug of noxious stink-wine while their children were scooped up in the taut, strong arms of the lifeguards and thrown into the moon castle. It was a grand old time, a real elegant garden party kind of affair where the topic of the day was... dicks. Cocks. Willies. Yoo-hoos. Steinem's Terrors. Peni. We're talking about penises here, because that's what the wives were talking about. They were all "Oh ho ho-ing" about dingles because everyone is so classy. The classiest of all is Brandi Glanville, the ex-wife of unemployed actor Eddie Cibrian. Brandi is a mess!

There was a funny part of the party where Brandi and Camille both bonded over getting divorced in the public eye, shaking their heads and saying "You know, and there's just the press everywhere..." Mm. Yeah, I get that, that's probably really hard. Like I can't imagine if there were magazine articles about every sad fuck-up in my life. Sounds pretty miserable, all that scrutiny and attention. You know what's a great way to lay low and really get away from all that terrible press attention? Going on a Bravo reality show. Totally just a place to cool out and disappear for a while. I totally get you, Camille and Brandi, when you "complain" about all the attention you get just for being you. Such an injustice. Brandi tried to be humble and gracious by insisting that Camille's was an A-list divorce while hers was merely D-list, but actually I'd do her one better and say that her divorce is just a regular divorce. It's not on a list. It's just what it is. It's a divorce. Brandi Glanville, a woman whom nobody knows and who knows nobody, is divorced. That's just that.

Anyway, after that totally adorbs bonding session, all the women sat down at a table to sip their hissing gas-wine and make penis jokes. Only of course they weren't saying the words, they were saying things like "Big hands, big feet, big disappointment." You know, in the grand Housewives tradition of being infantile and utterly disgusting about sex. Trouble is, Brandi is new to the scene and doesn't know how to play the game so when someone said "If you know what I mean..." or something, Brandi answered "Cock." And then everyone's monocles fell out and shattered on the flagstone and all the kids flailed and screamed in the water as the lifeguards floated by facedown, dead as disco. It was really the most shocking thing to ever happen ever! A grownup said a grownup word! Horrors! Taylor told us that she was really hoping that it was going to be followed by "a doodle doo," because haha, yes, referring to a man's genitals as a Cock a Doodle Doo is way less gross than saying the word cock. Way better to add the extra children's nursery rhyme animal noise to the mix. Ace work, Taylor.

So that was painfully awkward and was then followed by Brandi saying "I know you all think I'm Super Slut" or something, using that name more than once like it's a known and excepted term, and everyone was like [blink times a million] because no one was saying that, or thinking it. Though, as Kyle pointed out, they were thinking it now! Brandi is the legendary Super Slut, born on a mysterious stormy day in Slut Cave, sworn to sluttily protect the citizens of Cocktropolis. Fascinating.

Brandi proceeded to put her foot in it a third time, when the topic of Dana's wedding came up. Yeah, Dana was there, sporting a pair of sunspectacles that she giddily told everyone cost $25,000. Yeah, you go on babbling away, Dana. I kind of get the impression that she knows she's being ludicrous, which kinda takes the fun out of it, so I'm just going to say this and only this about the damn sunglasses: To paraphrase the great American hero Ms. Dolly Parton, I guess it costs a lot to look that cheap. Ya burnt, Dana. Ya burnt forever. Anyway, Dana was talking about marrying her shadowy investment banker boyfriend, who travels a lot, and Brandi said, foul horse-wine tumbling out of her mouth, "He's probably got a girl in every city!" A rude and strange comment that was met with deafening silence, the only noise in the yard the sound of the children struggling to drag the lifeguards' waterlogged corpses out of the swimming pool. Dana blinked at Brandi and said something like "How rude" and everyone else was like "Thefuckisgoingonhere" and Brandi spluttered and guffawed and figured that the girls just don't get her sense of humor. No, I think they get it just fine. Yup.

That was basically the garden party. Kyle did some bragging about her happy marriage and then, as if summoned on command, Mauricio showed up and dreamboated around for a while. Then the subject of Kim came up and Kyle called her to see where she was and when Kim answered she sounded like she was at the bottom of a wishing well and she said "I can't come because I don't have any kids." I mean, she has four kids, but none were available to come to the kids 'n' parents party, and she didn't feel comfortable coming without them. It was a strange and totally bogus and also really sad excuse and everyone just sighed and waited for the big blowup next week.

Also, Lisa did a thing on TV that mostly involved her begging Dr. Drew to follow her on Twitter, and it was boring and lame and we shan't go into it.

I think that's it. There's only one thing left to say:

COCK.

Are you horrified?