Women: what are they smiling about? Gurrrrrl.... U no it's U, gurl!

What we're trying to communicate to the "internet generation" is that significantly more women than men age 45-55 "give themselves a 10 out of 10 on optimism about their future" in a new one of those worthless pap "lifestyle" polls designed specifically to generate paper-thin trend stories in USA Today. You sicken me. Pollsters, middle-aged people, women. All of you.

What was I saying? Ah yes. What makes women think they deserve to be happier than men? It's your girlfriends, girlfriend! Turns out that the most optimistic women spend more time in real "social interaction" and have a core group of real friends. Just listen to this inspiring example of one middle-aged lady who found happiness by hiking with her friends every day:

Fox hiked the day before she had her baby. She hasn't stopped in the nine years since. A friend still picks her up at 5:15 a.m. to gather with their tribe and refresh their senses on a Tennessee mountain trail, followed by coffee and girl talk. By 7:20 a.m., Fox is home and ready to work.

Jesus, that sounds awful. "Girl talk" with your "tribe" at 5:15 in the fucking morning. How about I just wake up at 5:15 every morning and blow my brains out with a fucking Howitzer, each and every day? Can we call it even then? Because I think that would be better for my mental health. What a horrible, horrible life you women lead.

Men are from Mars! Pass the Equal Rights Amendment! Gender neutrality, huzzah!

[USA Today, photo via Facebook]