Today we learned that the Olsen Twins designed a $39,000 backpack that sold out remarkably quickly. Which, hm, OK. That's kinda funny and weird right? How best to deal with this? One commenter calmly reacted.
I wish to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Person, effective immediately. I feel that my skills and efforts will be better spent in making a noose, tying that noose onto a load-bearing support or structure, inserting my head through the noose and then kicking a stool out from under me.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here as a Person. During my tenure, there have been several accomplishments of which I am especially proud; including that time I met Michael Jackson and the many years not spent in prison. I will miss a lot of you as I explore these new, exciting opportunities before me and hope that you will try to keep in touch, though I understand that this may be difficult as I am presumably entering a vast and unimaginable void.
I will never forget my time spent as a Person, unless upon entering the void, I am wholly consumed by nothingness, in which case my inability to think or emote will go absolutely unnoticed.
All the best,
[Photo via Getty]