Real Talk: Dead People Don't Need Surgery

Cholesterol diabeetus! Docto procto! Death surgery! Concussion athletes! Cantaloupe killers! Cell harvest! Cialis excuses! Man breasts! And you monkeys won't get away with this, after all! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on the real!

  • Let's be real: if you need to fight cholesterol and diabetes, then brother, you can't be so lazy you need to fight both with one pill! No wonder you have these problems, lazy bones!
  • Good news for men who don't like doctors poking all up on their prostates, but bad news for sex perv dudes who like that very thing. We won't tell you what the news is.
  • Why do so many people who are thisclose to being dead have so much expensive surgery? Probably because doctors are money grubbing bastards. Why else did Aunt Ethel get that boob job on her deathbed? Let's be real.
  • Oh, what do the spoiled pampered millionaire professional athlete thugs want now? More research on the health effects of concussions. Don't fool yourselves: they're only concerned about protecting their precious "brains."
  • Let's be real: if you're still eating cantaloupes, you're a god damn fool.
  • Finally, at long last, researchers have found a better way to harvest stem cells. "Don't use a scythe," they revealed.
  • So you just take Cialis to help treat your enlarged prostate, eh? Or would it be more accurate to say...your enlarged penis? Let's be real.
  • Great news, fellas: it appears breast cancer is less deadly for men than for women. Also men are much less likely to get it! Whew! Let the ladies handle something for once, amirite? High five. Football.
  • Let's be real: the fact that you're not terrified by the news that monkeys are using mind control to move a virtual arm was a dead giveaway that you are—[dramatic pause]—a monkey, after all, sir! [Tears off your human face mask, revealing monkey]. You, sir, are a monkey. Let's be real.
[Photo: IowaPolitics/ Flickr ]