Report: Girls Have Dumb Lockers

Girls—the middle school denizens who think they're so cute but they're not—are so stupid that they fill up their lockers with all types of dumb decorations, according to a report today by the New York Times.

In a trend likely spurred by girls' dumbness and inherent tendency to think that dork things are cool, tween females across the nation are filling their lockers—considered purely utilitarian spaces by people who understand what they're even for, unlike girls—with "miniature furry carpets, motion-sensor-equipped lamps that glow when the door opens, mirrors, decorative flowers, and magnetic wallpaper in floral and leopard-print patterns."

Unconfirmed but trustworthy reports also indicate that some of these locker accessories are pink, an ugly color beloved by girls, who don't know what badass even is.

As if it wasn't bad enough that girls' fellow students are forced to roam the halls knowing that only inches away behind a thin veneer of sheet metal lies a veritable girly world of garish embarrassing decorations out of some Teen Beat acid nightmare, untrustworthy girls have now started a disinformation campaign to plant propaganda about their lockers in our nation's most influential media outlets:

"I've had a bunch of people stop by my locker and say, ‘Wow, your locker's so cool,' " Nola, 11, said.

Shut up Nola. That is such a lie. You are a lie. Nobody likes your stupid locker except maybe, oh yeah, girls. Girls who will like anything that's dumb, especially if it is pink. Girls, slaves to every last alleged "fashion" trend, no matter how banal. Girls, aged 11, who, unbeknownst to themselves, have already completely bought into the consumer culture that will dictate and control them for the rest of their shallow, hackneyed lives, gradually replacing their vibrant human souls with a series of product purchases which will stand in for what was once a wholly unique creation of nature. Girls. God.

Boys' lockers continue to be awesome.

[NYT, photo via Facebook]