Whoops: Everything Healthy Will Kill YouS

Fat running! Bad vitamins! Low tuberculosis! Peanut allergies! Woman chocolate! Restless legs! Baby talk! Cereal sugar! And your child's selfishness is all too astounding! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fruitlessly!

  • It's official: running makes you fat. It's not really official, but that sounds good though: "It's official." A weighty phrase, like a runner's bosom.
  • Turns out vitamins aren't worth a shit, at least if you're an older woman. But what is worth a shit to an older woman, really? Love, peace, happiness, family, equality, progress, education, shit like that? Shit.
  • Tuberculosis infections are down—but why? Why? WHY? I dunno, just be happy for once!
  • Scientists say they might know how to cure peanut allergies. They're not telling you though, because you've been so annoying about it all these years. "Does this or that have peanuts? I'm allergic." Give me a break!
  • Oh Christ, another god damn story about how chocolate is good for women. A mere moment's contemplation of the outpouring of sickeningly banal humor sure to issue forth from the Jean Teasdales of the world in response to this news is enough to turn my stomach.
  • Restless leg syndrome can lead to high blood pressure, when the person sharing your bed gets tired of your restless legs and locks you in a vise.
  • How do babies sort out language in their minds? Who cares? Call me when that baby can talk turkey.
  • Haha, hey, how's that big project to take the sugar out of kids' cereal going, haha? Haha.
  • Do your children have the "selfish gene?" If so, cast them out upon the waters of the world, that they may learn to swim in harmony with others or sink to the bottom, weighed down by their own dark hearts. That's my advice, at least.
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