Following the U.S. Army's establishment of a wuss workout program and, more broadly, the year-long erosion of American masculinity, it's little wonder that our nation's fighting forces are now more concerned with eyebrow grooming than with removing the digits of enemy soldiers to bring home as souvenirs. Is America's metrosexual Army going to be able to endure the harsh skin-drying effects of the Middle Eastern climate?
Intrepid WSJ reporter Michael Phillips found one, then another, then another eyebrow-shaping soldier in Afghanistan, until the conclusion become inescapable: it was time to write a trend story. (I appreciate your service, Michael.)
Spc. Rene Ruiz, a 22-year-old from Oxnard, Calif., leaves his own brows in their natural state. But he knows a few other soldiers who indulge in super-orbital grooming. He even knows one soldier who shaves his arms and legs to bring out his tattoos.
"They're straight guys-just a little metrosexual," says Spec. Ruiz.
As long as they're not queers! Just keeping my 12 o'clock all squared away, sir! For clear vision to the enemy! Guns, bang, boom, sniper shooting! It's, uhhh, operational readiness, high command, night vision A-rab follicle blasting! Well then, A-OK, aye aye, special salute! Off to watch Jersey Shore on the Armed Forces Network and dream idly about having sex—with women!
Don't ask, don't tell—about eyebrows!