Women don't just wear high-heels because we're suckers who will do anything for a man's attention, but because high-heels possess orgasmic potential, says would-be red-bottomed sole monopolist Christian Louboutin. Also, women are "happy to wear painful shoes," because our shoes help us express ourselves. At least one libido-pain shoe expert agrees.

Louboutin tells the Sunday Times that some French academic once informed him during a meeting (or while standing in line for the bathroom at a racist Starbucks?) that "what is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms." Therefore, wearing high-heels means "putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation." And you always thought that wearing high-heels meant "putting yourself in a possibly basketball-playing situation"! How wrong you've been all this time.

The sensation one feels after twisting an ankle while walking down a brick or cobblestone street is a type of pain-ecstasy, or painstasy. The pinching of one's toes caused by many high-heels is called pinchstasy. Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain, stilettos are sex, flats are frigidity. Why aren't you living the continuous-orgasm lifestyle? Buy some Louboutins today.

In related (?): Victoria Beckham "doesn't look like a mouse ready to hide." It's because she wears Louboutin high-heels. Tall shoes make women resemble mice less.

[Daily Mail. Image via AP]