Old-fashioned "meet me in Union Square and do the Thriller dance"-style flash mobs have been played out for years, although the more recent "big group of teens running around beating everyone's ass, just like they've always done, but with a new, trendier name"-style "flash mobs" are still going strong. And now, in a completely new and never-before-seen phenomenon: "Flash robs!" We must use any and all methods to crush this brand new and super scary outbreak of stealing things!
Imagine, if you will, the following scenario: a bunch of hollering teenagers run into a store and steal things, then run out. Crazy, I know. While you might call that "high school," the National Retail Federation calls it a dangerous new trend to fret about, in the Wall Street Journal. "It is mob behavior but it has some pre-meditation which is a new thing," says University of Florida "research scientist" Read Hayes, who should, judging only from that quote, be fired.
The uncontrollable teen mob menace is everywhere! Stealing snacks in Maryland! Stealing sweaters in Chicago! Stealing sneakers in Philly! Which product starting with "S" will these unruly hormone-addled sociopaths target next? One thing is certain: technology is to blame.
Cleveland considered making it a crime to summon a flash mob via Facebook, Twitter and other social media, although the idea was shelved on rights grounds...
A group of 30 teens flooded a Maryland 7-Eleven in August, helping themselves to chips and other snacks. Police initially labeled the group a flash mob organized via cellphones, but it turned out the group plotted the deed while riding a city bus.
We must amend the Constitution and shut down public transportation in order to cut off these "wilding" teens' mode of communication! Our nation's very Foot Locker outlets are at stake!