Gel vagina! Too salty! Letrozole victory! Salad sal-monella! Teen IQs! Proton babies! Skeptical docs! Malaria vaccine! And women laugh like this, while guys laugh like this! Right, fellas? It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—masculariously!
- This new "vaginal gel" is not just any vaginal gel; this vaginal gel protects women from getting herpes. Boy, sure is good news, for sex. You like sex, don't you? Sure, sure you do.
- Yeah, Americans consume too much sodium, WE KNOW. There's no joke here. Everything's not a joke.
- Turns out Letrozole is more effective than tamoxifen at treating breast cancer. That's right, tamoxifen, you bitch, in your motherfucking face! Suck my dick tamoxifen, come around here again and get fucked up! Sorry, I'm on crystal meth (Friday).
- "Ooooo, I'm eating a bagged salad. Does this mean I'm going to get salmonella?" It's just a bagged salad, man.
- Teenagers' IQ "may fluctuate over time." Are we talking minutes here, or are we talking years? Cause I'm pretty sure everyone is stupid when they're a baby and then after a while they learn things and they're okay for a number of decades until the inevitable ravages of aging reduce them to mental infants once again. But if we're just talking hourly, well, the teens are probably drinking.
- For the last time, stop giving proton pump inhibitors to babies! A bottle, sure. A rattle, okay. But a proton pump inhibitor? Find me a baby who can even define "proton," much less "inhibitor." It's just plain crazy.
- Younger doctors are more skeptical about vaccines than older doctors. "I dunno about these vaccines," they'll say, scratching their heads. "Where is the Twitter? Where is the Bieber? Where is the MySpace profile? I'm nothing but a young, young doctor." Then we send them back to school.
- Sure, this new experimental vaccine reduced malaria by half among children in Africa. One problem: I don't care. Solve that.
- Psychologists have finally developed a foolproof super-scientific test that tells whether men are funnier than women. Are you laughing yet, baby? Aw. I'm disappointed.