America Conquered by GhostsS

A huge record-setting debut for the third movie in the Paranormal Activity franchise means that Halloween is upon us. Also today: The robots continue to fight on, Footloose keeps dancing, and the Musketeers meet their match.

1) Paranormal Activity 3 — $54M
I guess if your house is going to be haunted and terrorized by a demon ghost, better it's a rich demon ghost than a poor one. And this is one rich ghost. This ghost just broke its lease and bought a condo down by the marina. This ghost traded in its '04 Accord and got an Acura. No more sad date nights at Golden Corral for this ghost, it's all Cheesecake Factory from here on out. This ghost is a high roller now. This ghost is going to go to Florida twice this year, and when it stays at Disney? Grand motherfucking Floridian, baby. The days of shacking up in the Kissimmee Radisson are done. Yes, this ghost is doing pretty well, this ghost put its mother in the good home over by the golf course. This ghost buys only brands at the supermarket now. This ghost goes to boat shows and could actually buy something now. This ghost isn't going to live like a chump anymore, no sir. This ghost's ghost ship has come in.

2) Real Steel — $11.3M
Again with the robots, America? Haven't we had enough with the robots? I mean I know most of you were busy pooping your particulars at Abnormal Business 3 up there, but still some of you went to go see Hugh Jackman make love to a robot. That is what this movie is about, right? He's a single dad searching for love so his adorably meddling son sets him up on a date with an old crusty robot and at first the two are ornery and fight a lot but then they begin to connect and eventually they learn that the only thing stronger than steel is love? I'm pretty sure that is what this movie is about. So much Hugh Jackman-on-robot (and robot-on-Hugh Jackman) lovemaking. I mean, I guess I understand why people are going to see it. There aren't many other romantic movies out right now, so this will have to do. Obviously robophobes are taking issue with it, but they're always angry about something. You know what? I change my mind. Go on with your bad selves, Real Steel viewers. You do you.

3) Footloose — $10.8
This torture porn movie about a guy who goes around nearly severing people's feet only dropped 30% from its debut last week, which means it's probably enjoying good word-of-mouth. So maybe it will linger and become a sleeper hit! That'd be fun. It's a cute little movie, so I wish it well. I mean, it's horribly graphic and disgusting, with all those loose feet everywhere, but it's also charming. The world isn't so black and white, you know. Things can be two things at once. That's just the complex nature of modern cinema.

4) The Three Musketeers — $8.8M
As noted box office analyst Milla Jovovich predicted, this poorly publicized movie did not perform well. I'm sure some of the market confusion was owed to the fact that Kiefer Sutherland and Charlie Sheen are nowhere to be seen in any of the promotional materials, nor is a triple-soft-rock duet playing in any of the trailers. Also it looked terrible? You're going to have to do better than this to become a stahhhh, Logan Lerman. Maybe Perks of Being a Wallflower will do it? As long as there aren't acrobatic slow-mo sword fights in it, I think it stands a better chance of being a hit.

19) Margin Call — $582K
Enjoying a nice $10,000 per screen average, this well-reviewed financial thriller did very well on 56 screens. Which is great and all, but I don't want the Wall St. types thinking we're all rah rah about them again just because this did well. Because this is about how they are bad. This is about how they mucked things up for everyone but somehow managed to save themselves. This is not about heroics, it's about jerkery! So just take note of that, jerks.