Just as the Civil War turned brother against brother, father against son, Occupy Wall Street now has a civil feud, between overachieving identical twin sisters Jill and Nicole Carty.
Read their story, for it is the story of America, as told by The Daily:
Both are 23-year-old Ivy League graduates. One, Nicole Carty, is an impassioned soldier in the war for economic justice, on the front lines at Occupy Wall Street.
The other, Jill Carty, has a different reason to be on Wall Street: profit. As a consultant at a major financial services firm, she is well on her way into the rarefied air of the so-called "1 percent."
Nicole talks of a "false consciousness" pervading American culture, and likens it to the antebellum South, when poor whites identified with rich plantation owners even though, economically, they had more in common with black slaves.
"It's misplaced passion," said Jill of her sister's devotion to the struggle. "She could be even more powerful if she worked in economics, using the tools of Wall Street to fight back."
Obviously, there is only one way to settle this. Hot Chicks of Occupy Wall Street twin fight! No, just kidding, that would be demeaning. Let's do something dignified, like see if we can get their mom to tell us which daughter she secretly likes better:
"If it were up to me, I would have liked [Nicole] to study economics," said Rhoda Carty by phone from her home in Atlanta, where she raised her girls after immigrating from the Caribbean.
"But my father was something of a revolutionary on Anguilla, and I think it may be in Nicole's DNA," she said. "She has her mother's full support. I do feel that it's time for a paradigm shift."
This loving, magnanimous response simply will not do. Come on, Rhoda, choose a daughter! Spit it out. One name. Which of your daughters do you secretly hate? America cannot move forward until you crush one child's self-esteem forever.