"Because it was there." No four words have done more to inspire the incredibly stupid to achieve ever-dumber heights. For one such man, a 21-year-old from Vallejo, California, "it" in this case referred to the infant bucket swing that hung tauntingly in Blue Rock Springs Park.
"Look at you, mijo," the bucket swing whispered. "Look at those plump, adult thighs. There is no way you could squeeze those hairy sausages into my tiny, toddler-sized leg holes. None at all." The swing smiled a crooked, contemptuous smile.
Ha. That's where the swing was wrong. The man made a $100 bet with his friends that he could mount the swing. It was 9 p.m.
"Impossible," they said.
"Watch me," he replied.
"You're on," they said.
The man produced a container of liquid laundry detergent, obviously, and coated his legs in it, then gently lowered them into the swing's holes. Two bulbous clots of flesh and fat and muscle collected around the rubber bottlenecks until shwoop — he was fully installed inside the molded harness. Sure, his genitals resembled a jar of vacuum-packed olives, but at least he had proven the swing, and his friends, wrong. Pay up, guys.
Only he couldn't budge. He yanked at his restraint, now pinching off his circulation like some medieval torture contraption with a name like the Monkey's Grip or Scavenger's Plaything. He begged his friends for help. He'd be willing to forego the $100, if they'd only just help. They laughed. Then they left.
Nine hours pass. It's 6 a.m. and a groundskeeper arrives for his morning rounds to the sounds of a man screaming. He calls the police. The man, his face contorted in agony, explains to them as best as he can what happened. They confer, and call the Fire Department. The Fire Department arrives. They confer. How best to deal with the situation? Might he possibly need both legs amputated? They opt not to take any chances, and cut down both chains to transport this man — still trapped inside an infant swing for nine-plus hours — to the local emergency room. There he was finally freed from this diaper prison, his Jaws of Life a standard-issue, orthopedic cast saw.