Start spreading the news! We're leaving today! We wanna be a part of it: Resorts Worrrld, Resorts Worrrrld! At last, a viable alternative to gainful employment comes to the greater New York City area — in the form of legalized gambling! Drink for free! Stuff your purses with buffet items! Double your life savings on one bet! All your prayers have been answered, just as soon as you pilgrimage to the crown jewel of South Ozone Park: the Resorts World Casino New York City.
New York City's first casino - or racino, because it is connected to the Aqueduct racetrack in South Ozone Park, Queens - [features] 5,000 video gambling terminals and electronic table games, including craps and a popular Asian dice game known as sic bo; restaurants like Chinese dim sum and the Stage Deli; and 6,500 parking spots.
How are they getting away with this? Simple: Robots! New York State laws allow electronic gambling at racetracks. So all the baccarat tables, for example, feature no human dealers but actual cards shuffled by "robotlike mechanical arms." How can this not be a win-win situation for everyone? Robots. Alcohol. Gambling. Subway access. I'm sorry — Trump Taj Mawho?
Not everyone is as thrilled as we are, however:
Enzo Bellissimo, whose car repair shop has been across the street from the Aqueduct for 39 years, predicted the casino would prove a disaster. He said he planned to close his shop on Friday to avoid the crowds.
"It is going to create a big mess," Mr. Bellissimo said. "Prostitutes. Crime. Gamblers are not going to create new business for us. I don't want this garbage."
Geez. Someone keep the cooler away from the Robin Byrd-themed e-slots, will ya? I'm on a hot streak over here.