Texas-based country store owner and cardboard cutout Crockett Keller teaches concealed handgun safety classes to make a few extra bucks, which he spends on boots and hats and spurs and guns at his local CowboyMart. Like every discriminating businessman, he enforces some standards, which he thoughtfully informed the world about in a recent radio ad.

KVUE-TV in Austin transcribed the important parts of Keller's announcement, which you can listen to here or (if you'd like to post a comment that includes "semper fi" in it) here. Or you can just read the next paragraph (read it aloud, in your best "xenophobic twang"):

"If you are a socialist liberal and or voted for the current campaigner in chief, please do not take this class. You have already proven that you cannot make a knowledgeable and prudent decision as under the law."

The ad continues, going on to say,"If you are a non-Christian Arab or Muslim, I will not teach you the class with no shame; I am Crockett Keller, thank you and God bless America."

In Keller's copy of the U.S. Constitution (which is printed with hickory-smoked barbecue sauce), it is illegal to disagree with Crockett Keller. He's pretty important! So much so, in fact, that all the Muslims want to take his fancy safety class specifically so they can murder him. This is the real reason why he won't teach them no lessons. "The fact is if you are a devout Muslim then you cannot be a true American," he tells KVUE. "Why should I arm these people to kill me, that's suicide." Even if it wasn't completely paranoid and wrong it still wouldn't make any sense, because don't all the scary mooslems learn how use guns from all the al-Queda-produced instructional puppet teevee programs they watch as toddlers? They just need to know how to turn it off so their own terrorist anchor babies don't accidentally shoot the mailman or something, right? We don't know anything about guns or gun safety courses and should have asked Keller to fax us a course syllabus.

As you might expect, many people support Keller's positions on the issues and believe he's a true patriot who's speaking the truth and being honest and etc., insert your own flag-wrapped crazy crap here. But refusing to teach people based on religious grounds is just as against the law in Texas as supporting the current, democratically elected leader of the free world is against the law in Crockett Keller's world, so the Texas Department of Public Safety has opened an investigation into his radio statements and education policies. What will happen if the state forces him to treat people fairly based on their religion? He'll stop teaching those lessons! And then probably run for governor based on an anti-government platform.

[SouthernBeale, KVUE. Thanks to Tipster LZ!]