How to Succeed in the Male-Dominated Workplace

Although scientists tell us that women are just as smart and capable as men, women still hold far fewer top corporate jobs than their ball-having counterparts. The reason? Probably something women are doing wrong. Allow us to help.

  • Men are creatures of habit. To put them at ease, do and say the same things, day after day, forever.
  • Don't wear anything too sexy. Men don't want an office slut forcing them to stare at her breasts all day, hurting productivity.
  • Don't wear anything too frumpy. Men don't want an office witch distracting them when they could be staring at the office slut.
  • Don't wear anything too memorable. You want to stand out for your talent, not your looks.
  • Don't wear anything too forgettable. You want to stand out!
  • Don't wear anything. Hubba hubba.
  • To fit in socially, learn to talk about sports. As the men at work are all standing around boisterously talking about last night's game, you can walk up and start participating in the conversation, which will instantly die out as the men slink away one by one, to regroup elsewhere.
  • If you have a good idea, sometimes it's best for workplace harmony to let the testosterone-filled men around the office think it was "their idea," by letting them steal it, tout it as their own, and later be promoted up the ladder as you languish below them. (TWSS!) This is easier for everyone, trust us.
  • Learn to treat men as individuals. Does their fantasy involve you being the dirty sexy boss and ordering them around, or being the dirty sexy employee and being ordered around by them? Don't pigeonhole an entire gender based on worn-out stereotypes.
  • It would probably help your career if you took up golf. Honestly, though, fuck golf.
  • Hey sweetie, fetch me a drink while you're eradicating discrimination, would you?
  • Be cool with sexual harassment.

Equality!

[Photos via Shutterstock.com]