Sleep Alone, Mess Up Your Baby

Freshman 15! Conjoined twins! Breast milk! Wino diet! Lonely sleepers! Yoga pain! Soda targeting! Cold flu! And some health facts just aren't funny! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—supportively!

  • Remember how you were always talking about "The Freshman 15?" Yeah, well that's a myth. During freshman year, the average college student only has 2.4 sexual encounters with horses.
  • Early this morning, delicate and complex surgery to separate conjoined twins got underway in Palo Alto, California. Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, I drank some coffee. But you don't hear me demanding a USA Today story about it. These guys.
  • Uh oh, the supply of donated breast milk for babies is running dangerously low. Great opportunity to teach babies that this isn't Russia, god damn it. If they want it they can go on BreastMilkFetishPerv.com and bid on it like everyone else.
  • A new study indicates that the antioxidant resveratrol, present in red wine, could significantly improve the metabolism of obese people. Yeah, great, let's have them sit around all day boozing. You know what else could improve your metabolism, obese people? I can't say with any degree of certainty. I'm fairly uneducated.
  • Awww: lonely people experience more restless sleep. Gurl. U no I'm here, for U. U no it's true. What I do. I do for U. (IN BED. High five, fellows! I love Dave Zinczenko's work.) The point is, sleep with me or your baby gets it.
  • If you have chronic back pain, why not try yoga? Oh, I would, but my back hurts.
  • A report from Yale University charges that makers of sugary soft drinks specifically target Latino kids. "No!" replied soft drink makers—in Spanish.
  • Can you tell the difference between a cold and a flu? Yeah, right, sure, okay, Doctor Joe Schmoe. I'm quite literally cackling with laughter at the very prospect of you asserting that you're able to make a proper diagnosis of any disease whatsoever, much less one that could be easily mistaken for a similar but less severe condition. Please allow me wipe the mirth-induced tears from my eyes before I continue writing. This is fun and all but some of us have work to do, "Doctor."
  • Every single day, 40 Americans die from overdoses on painkillers. Joke about that, Colin Quinn.
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