You Don't Have to Get Old But You Do Have to Die

Drug approval! Earthquake danger! Child risks! Ending aging! Cancer marathon! Texas therapy! Pneumonia vaccination! Robot walking! And a whole new way of looking at regulation! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a heavy heart!

  • The FDA is close to approving a record number of drugs this decade. They'll approve anything! Asbestozol! Rapeazoid! Roofielux! Bombardazon! Catastrophimil! Disasterbliz! Deathomax! You name it, they approve it! Obliterade!
  • Hottest new report of the season: earthquakes are the deadliest disasters of all. Get yours now—before they're gone. [*Jay Cee Penneyyyyyyy*]
  • What do these three things have in common: Obesity, Sleep Apnea and Cognitive Problems? I don't know, but your kid is a fat snoring moron.
  • Hello, researchers have figured out how to eliminate the signs of aging in mice. Yeah. Yeah, that's right, Kev. They just made their wives live in a different cage! I'm Jay Leno! Play me over, Kev! I am hollow on the inside.
  • One guy gets cancer and runs a marathon while he has cancer and all of a sudden Julie's all "Maybe we should do a marathon together, wouldn't that be fun? We could spend time together doing something healthy, for once. You know what I mean. This...this stuff can't continue." Yeah, why don't you go run with that guy, cancer boy? If you like marathons so much?
  • Down in ol' Texas, they don't cotton too kindly to experimental stem cell therapy. "We don't cotton too kindly to that around these parts," says a guy in a cowboy outfit. Good job man, here's your twenty bucks. Now get on outta here.
  • Have you had your child vaccinated against pneumonia? To be perfectly honest I couldn't give a fuck, but why not make conversation while we're both sitting here?
  • Uh sure, if I had a robotic exoskeleton, I'd be walking around too. Some people, I swear.
  • You say a collision between regulators and the pornography industry over condoms; I say porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!
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