Women Weren't Young and Sexy Enough to Be Baristas

To be a successful barista in today's competitive market, you must be twentysomething and very sexy. Shirley Stagner and Tina Holcombe are in their 40s, which automatically makes them very unsexy—and, therefore, completely unqualified to bariste at Hot Java Hunnies, the sexiest coffee depot in Kent, Washington.

Stagner and Holcombe tell KOMO-TV News that their boss, Jim Honnies, recently laid them off because he wanted to hire "younger girls." Honnies denies their claim, saying that he only wanted to try "new blood." It doesn't matter if applicants are in their 80s, as long as they look not a day over 23, in other words. "Honnies says with Stanger and Holcombe serving the coffee over the past couple of years, he's not making any profit and business trickled down to a third of what it was previously," KOMO tells us. So far he's hired one replacement employee, and though "he's not sure of her age" he "believes" she's a twentysomething.

There's many other possible explanations for the Hunnies' lagging sales, such as the recession or widespread unemployment or better coffee at competitors or Honnies' lack of business skills. Or its creepy, stupid name: Hot Java Hunnies. Like, okay, I get it: Honnies=Hunnies. But it still sounds like he's trying to reach out to the "character trapped in a terrible 1980s-era gratuitous boob-flash flick" demographic. Let's try to apply Hot Java HUNNIES to some hypothetical scenarios:

  • "Hey Frank, round up the boys and let's go down to Hot Java Hunnies for our weekly Stereotypical Business-Bro lunch. I hear they've begun serving steaks and are offering a half-off lapdance special."
  • "Oh hai boss, I'm working on the marketing plan right now. Wanna stop by Hot Java Hunnies so we can discuss?"
  • "Hey Sarah, I really like and respect you, and wanted to know if you'd meet me at Hot Java Hunnies for a coffee. And some respect. By me. For you."
  • "I'm meeting my professor at Hot Java Hunnies to discuss my dissertation on the genocide in Rwanda."

The name sounds most at home in the first hypothetical. It sounds like a topless bar name.

Holcombe and Stanger have tried to file an age discrimination claim, but KOMO reports that Washington requires a business to have eight employees before it will investigate. So they're shit outta jobs, and shit outta luck. Luckier for them, it's getting easier to find a new job.

[KOMO]