To end these terrible falsehoods about fatherhood once and for all, beloved boy wonder Justin Bieber will give up some of his sacred DNA and (presumably) prove stuntwoman Mariah Yeater to be a trouble-making lying-liar-lady. The test will take place in two weeks, TMZ reports. It won't be broadcast live on pay-per-view for only $49.95, we're pretty sure.
Once Bieber proves Mariah Yeater to be a liar liar escort for hire(?), he plans to sue the nose-ring offa her. And he will win, because he's Justin Bieber. And he will sell the nose-ring at a pawn shop and use the $12 he gets for the nose-ring to take Selena Gomez to Cold Stone Creamery. And they will splurge on sundaes with extra-toppings while his handlers escort Yeater to the same prison dungeon where Bieber keeps his pin-poked effigy of U.S. Senator Amy Kloubuchar. Shit just got real.