Tomorrow, America heads to the polls for what will be the most important political day in our lifetime: The 2011 Elections. And after a whole 15 minutes spent googling "elections tomorrow," your Gawker Political Desk feels it has an expert grasp on all of the crucial decisions to be made. Let's check out some of the exciting last-minute campaign efforts of candidates across this sunny land!
In New Jersey's 40th district, Republican Assemblyman Scott Rumana has sent out a hilarious mailer against his Democratic challenger, Bill Brennan, which, according to PolitickerNJ, "is essentially a full campaign's worth of opposition research slapped into one glossy brochure." Most dangerously, it shows gritty photos of a shirtless Brennan fucking around with boxes in his back yard:
Included in the piece are pictures of at least five police reports filed against Brennan, excerpts from a judge's ruling in a court case filed by Brennan, a copy of a building code violation issued to Brennan and even a picture of the shirtless Democrat in the act of blocking a code inspector from photographing his patio.
"IS DEMOCRATIC ASSEMBLY CANDIDATE BILL BRENNAN A LIAR?" the pamphlet asks. "YOU DECIDE!"
Well! That's enough New Jersey for now.
Let's move on to Virginia's 33rd Senate district, where Republican Patricia Phillips is trying to defeat incumbent state Sen. Mark Herring. Her main tactic appears to be accusing Herring of being a "traitor" who hates veterans. A recent Phillips mailer shows an elderly, decorated military figure, with overlaid text that reads, "ALWAYS THANK A VETERAN... Because Mark Herring Won't!" The interesting thing about the elderly, decorated military figure, though, is that he appears to be a Soviet officer, as one of his medal reads "CCCP." Always thank a Soviet veteran, voters!
One of the biggest offices up for vote tomorrow is Kentucky's governorship, in which incumbent Democrat Steve Beshear appears poised to crush Republican David Williams. Is Williams taking his inevitable beating quietly, or pandering to base emotions in extremely desperate, last-minute fashion?
Senate President David Williams lambasted Gov. Steve Beshear on Tuesday for participating in a Hindu prayer ceremony last week at a new manufacturing plant site in Elizabethtown, saying the governor was worshipping "false gods."
It's close, but that breaks ever so slightly in the direction of "pandering to base emotions in extremely desperate, last-minute fashion."
Is it possible that we have not thoroughly covered every important race in the 2011 Elections? If your city, county, state or whatever else is having a comical election, please let us know: firstname.lastname@example.org.