Barack Obama Has Never Met An Alien

Hey, everyone, President Barack Obama has officially not been secretly meeting with aliens. Thank God for the internet, which forced Obama to address this crucial issue.

The White House has set up a website where people can delude themselves into thinking they have a say in their government by creating petitions and, possibly, getting a meaningless response from a White House official. One of the petitions demanded that the White House "formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race."

This petition managed to get over twelve thousand signatures, which shows that alien conspiracy theorists are surprisingly effective at political mobilization—a fact that does a lot to explain Ron Paul's continuing political success, actually.

However, according to White House Office of Science & Technology Policy spokesman Phil Larson:

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye.

The only thing crazier than the idea that the White House might be secretly in contact with aliens is the idea that they would reveal this because a few thousand people on the internet signed a petition: Oh, we would have told you about the weekly basketball games President Obama has with the squid-like Zorbon ambassador from Planet X, but we didn't know you cared! (He often wins, despite the Zorbons' superior arm-count.)

[Image via Getty]