Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?

Want to know what college major to choose? Here's a list of expected earnings by major. Simply find the major with the greatest number under the "earnings" column, and mark that major down in your college course catalog. Really simple, people. Even a college kid can figure it out. Hint: it's going to be something real, like engineering or math or science, and not something that consists of 19 year-olds raising their hands in class and saying "I don't really even think that theory is right because, like, in my high school..." like sociology.

So what's the major malfunction, Generation Doom?

Although the number of college graduates increased about 29% between 2001 and 2009, the number graduating with engineering degrees only increased 19%, according to the most recent statistics from the U.S. Dept. of Education. The number with computer and information-sciences degrees decreased 14%... Research has shown that graduating with these majors provides a good foundation not just for so-called STEM jobs, or those in the science, technology, engineering, and math fields, but a whole range of industries where earnings expectations are high.

What is wrong with you, kids these days? Why aren't you all becoming engineering majors and going on to solid and relatively lucrative jobs in stable fields like engineering? Well, clearly for the same reason that we weren't math majors: you suck at math, and that shit is mad boring. So allow us to repeat: doing fun things was our privilege. Not yours. You—you—have been screwed by macroeconomic forces far beyond your control.

Now do that math. We'll be playing outside.

[WSJ, from the excellent "Generation Jobless" series. Photo:]