A Brief Guide to Tonight's GOP Presidential Debate

Let's call it the Rich Uncle Pennybags debate. Tonight, Our Losers will square off in their first presidential debate in weeks, hosted by CNBC. It promises to be a banner night for plutocrats, and is intended to focus entirely on economic issues — specifically, how to stop the War on Wealth. What horrors await?

How will the candidates get those lice-soaked poop-smearing Whole Foods-destroying anarchist/Stalinist queer hippie spoiled brat squatter fucks to stop Occupying everything? This, this is the main front of the War on Wealth: Those people in their tents protesting banks and stuff everywhere. How will you get them to shut up and get back to their shifts at the Taco Bell/KFC drive-thru, Michele Bachmann? Newt Gingrich? Liberal Mittens? "Mass murder" is the correct response, of course, but may come off as a bit edgy. "Give them tax cuts" will suffice, and really isn't much different anyway.

What do all the candidates think about Herman Cain grabbin' ladies' boobs left and right? Economic issues right now are all extremely depressing, and viewers will need a happy break. And what's a happier topic than the frontrunner for one of the two major parties' presidential nominations (allegedly) sexually harassing every gal he's ever known? They'll at least allow Cain to give another one of his blanket denials, but hopefully we'll get to hear the other candidates chime in too. What do you think Rick Santorum? "If it ain't gay, that's A-OK." Mitt Romney? "Why the hell would I bother commenting on this?" Rick Perry: "Attaboy... [falls asleep]." Michele Bachmann: "A mother in the audience told me that Herman Cain grabbing her butt made her mentally retarded."

The Christmas Tree Tax: Worse than whatever the bad things were that Hitler did? A full nine hours of this 90-minute debate will be spent discussing President Obama's rape and murder of Santa Claus, the Christian god.

Eh that's enough. They will talk about the economy and everyone will love it. But how will you love it? You will love it best by joining us for an evening of live coverage! Yes, that's right, the Gawker Political Desk will be live-typing tonight after a three-debate break, now that its blood pressure has returned to normal but still dangerously high levels. Join us at 8:00 ET, sharp, or face a life sentence in debtors' prison.

[Image via AP]