The presidential candidates have come to Michigan, to do a slick pagan money-sucking dance on CNBC in front of the citizens of one of the more screwed states in the country. It should be great! Oh, and now Tea Party patriarch Rick Santelli will be there, asking questions. Oof. So put some dollar bills in your collar, down a jug of Blue Label, and let's kill some poors — together.
7:56 — CNBC is showing charts of each candidate's InTrade odds, on the side. It is not necessary. Jon Huntsman is doing poorly among the online riverboat gambler crew, too? Now he's in bad shape!
7:58 — Newt Gingrich prepared for the debate by watching Bridesmaids. Okay, I like that.
8:00 — Is this a hip-hop intro?
8:01 — CNBC: "NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR MONEY." Tell the bankers who lost your 401k that.
8:02 — Hey it's Michele Bachmann! She's still doing this thing, huh. Do you get a pension for running for a certain amount of months? Otherwise...
8:03 — Jon Huntsman is wearing pretty lipstick.
8:04 — Maria Bartiromo: "We'll be joined by the smartest people on CNBC. First up: Jim Cramer."
8:05 — Herman Cain is asked about how to save the economy if/when Italy goes down the pooper forever. He says he will grow jobs in the business sector. We must grow this economy! We must ensure the currency is sound. We need to make sure a dollar is a dollar. Inflation: America's biggest problem.
8:06 — Mitt Romney looks sick. Hair, falling. Did he have a cup of coffee? Mittens must never drink coffee! He does not think the U.S. should directly bail out European banks. Would anyone answer that question "yes"? CNBC is demanding it. Jim Cramer, screaming! Why won't you bail out European banks! Good lord, CNBC.
8:10 — Why is no one asking Michele Bachmann about the nuances of global financial contagion? No one knows how to run a fucking debate anymore.
8:12 — Mitt Romney said from the beginning that the auto companies should go through a managed bankruptcy, which is what the Obama administration did, but he would make it more, uh... private-sectory, and such.
8:14 — Mitt Romney. I am a man of Constancy. I have been married to the same woman for... fuck... twenty-fi... a billio... eh a long time, is the point. THE OTHER CANDIDATES ARE SLUTS.
8:15 — Rick Perry is fully asleep, already. No picking winners and losers... capital markets, making decisions.
8:18 — Michele Bachmann: "Capital is mobile."
8:21 — Time to ask Herman Cain about his sexytime talking! The crowd boos as Bartiromo asks the question. The American people want "character," Herman Cain. Why would they pick you when you have character issues, such as pulling ladies' heads into your dick?
8:23 — Mitt Romney, would you fire Herman Cain for being a sex pervert to his employees if you bought his company? The crowd boos again. Romney dodges. But obviously Mitt Romney would fire Herman Cain, because that's what he did to all workers of companies he bought.
8:26 — Jim Cramer asks Mitt Romney: As Milton Friedman — the GREATEST, ALL TIME, MOST BADASS, SMARTEST, AWESOMEST, GREATEST AGAIN CONSERVATIVE ECONOMIST — said, corporations only exist to maximize shareholder value. Can they create lots of jobs at the same time? The candidates think so!
8:30 — Cramer to Santorum: I KNOW THESE GUYS OUT WEST! THEY'VE GOT A BUSINESS IDEA! SAY THEY NEED GOVERNMENT HELP FIRST! WELL? DO YOU DO IT? DO YOU DO IT? DO YOU DO IT, SANTORUM? (Sorry about the caps. It's the only accurate representation of Cramer.)
8:34 — Mitt Romney wants to help the people who've been hurt the most: The Middle Class. Crowd is dead silent. Not because Mitt's particular plan — cutting taxes on returns to capital for the middle class, who doesn't really care about that — is any good. They just don't like this slight allusion to something vaguely representing something that vaguely represents Class Warfare.
8:37 — Ron Paul is saying his Ron Paul things. Price-fixing by the Federal Reserve! M1 is up 30 percent. We are fucked to death with ball gags in our ears. Commercial!
8:42 — Time to talk about housing. Drink. No, really — drink.
8:43 — Gingrich: You want the housing market to come back? You have to get the economy to come back. (The other way around tends to work better, historically.)
8:45 — Some fathead name Liesman is talking now. Ay. Guys. Ay. Whattaya gonna do with these houses. Ay. Romney: Stop getting Barney Frank to give every poor person a mansion. APPLAUSE! Now if only he'd raise taxes on the middle and lower classes, we might have a decent candidate.
8:46 — Rick Perry would like more regulations. No, less. That was "less." I'm bored.
8:49 — Gingrich, your firm got tons of money from Fannie and Freddie a couple of years back. Gingrich: Who, me? I didn't do lobbying, I offered "advice." Expensive advice, apparently. Why does everyone look like a lipsticked ghost tonight? It's so... colonial. Also, it's interesting that people "walked into" Newt Gingrich's office to say "We are giving loans to people with no credit history." Was this a phalanx of robots?
8:53 — How would Herman Cain unwind Fannie and Freddie? He says he would unwind them. How? He would find a way. How? Shutup.
8:54 — Jon Huntsman would take a fee from the banks that are too big to fail to protect the taxpayers. Holy shit! He's a communist! He should tell this to his fellow party members on Capitol Hill who are currently fighting to prevent exactly that.
8:57 — The candidates are each given thirty seconds to discuss their comprehensive plans for the health care system. Why not make it ten seconds? It's not that complex of a system.
8:58 — I believe Newt Gingrich just shushed Maria Bartiromo, but with hand gestures? My god, she is so furious now. Ha ha, she just gave him all the time he wanted, and he whines about something else. Do you want to answer the question tonight? she asks. She is so mad.
9:09 — Was that just a cutesy cartoon to explain Social Security, incorrectly? I hope I just fell asleep and that was a nightmare.
9:11 — CNBC is taking a video question from the common man: The CEO of Caterpillar. It blasts triumphant music in his face.
9:14 — The tweets streaming on the bottom ticker calling people at CNBC morons are delightful.
9:16 — Can you name the three departments you say you'd eliminate, Rick Perry? Yes! Education... Uhh... [Moderator suggests Commerce]... Commerce!... and... I dunno. (No, really. That hurt.)
9:21 — Where's my man Jim Cramer? He must be meeting with his pals out West, in the Dakotas. That, or he's been taken to the abbatoir.
9:24 — Rick Santelli is giving his rant. He keeps saying "TRILLION — with a 'T'" — as though that's especially phonetically similar to "B" or "M." Huntsman is giving a mild-mannered response. Since when are the moderators more angry than the candidates? And what ever happened to the War on Wealth? Four more minutes...
9:27 — WHAT? THIS DEBATE GOES UNTIL 10? Oh my god... Okay, cool it... Now they are asking about student debt.
9:28 — Ron Paul is rushing through our various inflated prices: "College prices? Skyrocketing. Medical care? Skyrocket!"
9:37 — Herman Cain is asked about competing with China. "9-9-9," he says.
9:39 — Mitt Romney would fuck China in the ass!
9:41 — Jon Huntsman, you were the ambassador to China. Explain "China" in 30 seconds.
9:42 — Moderator to Jon Huntsman: Did you just suggest that Mitt Romney was pandering by threatening to slap tariffs on China? Jon Huntsman, tail tucked between his legs: Yes, sir, I'm sowwy. Mitt Romney: I've been in business for 30 years.
9:44 — Bachmann! She says that if we keep paying so much interest to China, we'll soon be paying for the entire army of the People's Republic of China! Again: There is no pandering on China, anywhere, in American politics.
9:46 — HEY IT'S ME JIM CRAMER WHOA I'M BACK — HERMAN CAIN WHAT THE FUCK? JESUS!
9:47 — Rick Perry is suggesting that there are corrupt relationships between corporate lobbyists and their crony friends in Washington. It's true! We here call it "The Rick Perry-Texas Model."
9:50 — Oh thank god it ended 10 minutes early. That was enriching. Who won? Mitt Romney, duh. Thank you all for showing up to read and comment!
[Image via AP]