Coca-Cola Basically Owns the Grand Canyon

Some Grand Canyon National Park officials had the great idea to ban bottled water at the park. But, oops, the ban was called off after Park superiors had a friendly chat with major national parks donor Coca-Cola.

Two weeks before the ban was supposed to go in effect, Grand Canyon parks official Stephen P. Martin received a call from his bosses that Coca-Cola had "registered its concerns about the bottle ban," and the ban was called off, according to the New York Times. Turns out Coca-Cola, which makes Dasani bottled water, has donated more than $13 million to the national parks. Which explains why you can always get an ice cold Coke within 60 feet of our nation's most prized natural wonders and yet still half the toilets are overflowing with used diapers.

"Banning anything is never the right answer," a Coca-Cola spokesperson said in a statement. Catchy! Maybe that can be the new Diet Coke with Lime slogan, in this new commercial:

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: Enjoy Diet Coke with Lime. Because banning anything is never the right answer. [Takes a sip of Diet Coke with Lime, chucks the bottle behind her back, into the majestic Grand Canyon, which is half-full with bottles of soda and water. A bald eagle lands on the woman's outstretched arm and pathetically coughs out a couple Dasani caps.]