These First Cousins Should Really Start Seeing Other People

We can think of several things that Tennessee residents Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks should never, ever do together. "Drink Everclear" is one. Another is date. These two should not date! Not only are their relationship expectations incompatible, but they're also first cousins.

The Smoking Gun tells us that Wilson, 21, and Brooks, 32, recently got into a fight after drinking too much Everclear and arguing about their relationship, which has taken a turn for the creepshow. According to the official police report, "Ms. Wilson stated that during the argument Mr. Brooks began to touch her suggestively and stated that 'he wanted her.'" When Wilson told her first cousin that "she wanted a relationship and didn't want to be 'a booty call'" (at least she's sticking up for herself and making her needs known? Eh, never mind), Brooks became angry and allegedly "knocked [her] to the floor and punched her face and neck."

Then things got stabby, the Times News reports:

Wilson told the [sheriff's deputy] she retrieved a pair of scissors from a coffee table. She said Brooks attacked her again, at which time she "cut him."

According to the [deputy's] report, Brooks suffered a puncture wound to his neck and lacerations to his neck, face, arms and back.

And that's how Brooks became Mr. Band-Aid Face. Because deputies couldn't tell which party had been the first aggressor, both Brooks and Wilson were charged with aggravated domestic assault. Our recommendation for punishment is that both of them be sent to rehab plus an alternative-to-incarceration treatment program where they can learn how to use Match.com and eHarmony. Also 200 hours of community service each.

[The Smoking Gun, Times News]