There are many awful things that should await criminals: years in jail, solitary confinement, public humiliation, possibly execution (if you believe in that kind of thing), and rotting for eternity in hell (if you believe that kind of thing). But there is one that I'm sick of hearing about: prison rape.
One thread that caught my attention this week was in this post about how the Penn State scandal led to Ashton Kutcher giving up on Twitter. While no one can deny that's a happy consequence, commenter Evil Baby Ant Eater decided to go the prison rape route:
The Only Good Thing to Look Forward to Post-Scandal?
Sandusky showering in prison with general population for the next 30 years.*
*Seriously, I have never seen such a perfect definition of Predator. Fuck him and his sickness. In the ass, against the wall of a shower by a man the size of one of his many linebackers. For the next 30 years.
I'm certainly not defending the actions of Jerry Sandusky or the awful things he did to a host of young boys. But he's going to get his punishment, and making easy and tired jokes about prison rape isn't going to help.
Here's the problem: Getting "fuck[ed]...in the ass, against the wall of a shower by a man the size of one of his many linebackers" sounds just like one of my sexual fantasies, one that many gay men (and women!) would enjoy. Getting fucked in the ass is not torture. It's not a punishment (though, honestly, it always does hurt a little bit).
The problem with wishing people be raped up the ass is that can be, possibly unintentionally, homophobic. It's suggesting that engaging in anal intercourse with another man is awful and disgusting. That's what JanetSnakehole claims in her comment:
Sadly, he'd probably enjoy it.
Why would he enjoy it? Because he's a pervert and a molester? Because the only people who enjoy being on the receiving end of anal sex are awful people? I can understand wanting to rob the man of any joy, but why upset all the world's catchers when trying to malign a football coach? Also, don't knock it until you tried it—preferably against the wall of a shower room with a man big enough to be a linebacker.
Imagine how everyone would feel if this commenter (who I assume is a woman based on her name, but don't know for sure) said that a woman would enjoy being raped? Let's hope for Sandusky's liver to be eaten out by a score of buzzards. Let's hope for him to be fed lumpy oatmeal every day for the next 30 years. Let's hope that he be kept away from his friends and family and anything that brings him happiness. But let's can it with prison rape jokes. They're just so old, lazy, and wrong.
For their transgressions, all of these commenters—along with So Anyways (for providing us with a photo illustration) are going to that great commenter prison in the sky. They will have individual showering stalls, and can drop the soap as often as they'd like.
A Few Notes & How to Submit Nominations
All decisions about commenter executions are final. There is no appeal, though bribery is sometimes acceptable depending on the severity of the offense and the amount of the bribe. Executed commenters may be allowed back after a suitable period of exile.
Because this process is to better the community, citizen's arrests for unruly commenters are welcome and encouraged. Executions can be based on a single incident or general and prolonged suckiness. Please submit your nominations to email@example.com.
Please include your rationale for execution and a link to the specific comment (you can get the direct link by clicking on the comment's timestamp) for evidence. Any commenter who submits a successful accusation for execution will be rewarded and deputized with a gold star. Happy commenting, and stay out of jail!