It's December. The forced happiness of the holiday season is upon us, with all its unbearable mistletoe-dangling parties. If you're not in a boyfriend- or girlfriend-bubble, don't go on a fun strike and wallow away the Advent Calendar in your pajama jeans. Follow these holiday Dos and Don'ts to make your holiday season unlonely, inspired by the unbig smart car. (It's built for two people, after all.)
DO: Say Yes
Every party invite, even the ones with the dreaded "festive attire" mandate, should be RSVP'd to with a big, fat "yes." If you can't fathom the idea of attending a party in a state of crushing loneliness, brush up your acting skills and pretend that you are a method actor studying to play a well-adjusted minor character in a mildly funny rom com. Think Reese Witherspoon. You are Reese Witherspoon and you love the holidays, dammit!
DON'T: Throw a Holiday Party of Your Own
Yes, your friends will show, but when everyone leaves, happily coupled, and drunk on everything in your house, you'll be left to clean up alone and you won't even have any hooch to help you through the pain. "Who broke my snow globe and tried to kick it under the sofa?" sobbed into an empty, dirty apartment will never sound so plaintive.
DO: Prepare a Go-To "Festive" Outfit
You need something to wear at the above-mentioned festive events (thrown by people other than you). Guys, your nicest jeans and a not-ragged plaid collared shirt will do. Maybe some colorful socks. Girls, wear a dress or shirt that incorporates at least one of the following: sparkles, lace, faux fur, satin, applique, pleats, or fiber-optics. Basically, something fun. Just because you are borderline depressed doesn't mean you have to bore people to death on sight.
DON'T: Break Jesus
Arriving at a coupled friend's holiday housewarming buzzed off a carton or twelve of eggnog, tripping over an extension cord, and falling face-first into the nativity scene is ill-advised. Breaking baby Jesus is not the greatest way to A) act, and B) appear datable.
DO: Wax Nostalgic
Bust out the holiday tunes of yore, decorate your apartment, and attempt to make Grandma's Buckeye Balls. Then stay up late watching TNT's full schedule of holiday programming while wearing footed jammies. This is known as "comfort mood," a lesser-known cousin of comfort food. It'll make you feel warm-and-fuzzy for a minute, and is less fattening (excepting the Buckeye Balls).
DON'T: Contact Your Ex
Under no circumstances are you to do this.
DO: Gather Approved People Around You
Friends are there for a reason, and though you may be lonely, there has got to be at least one or two people in your social circle whose presence doesn't make you want to throw yourself off a bridge. Invite them over, open a bottle of wine, eat something unhealthy, and watch something on TV that you can make fun of together. In other words, channel that nastiness you feel toward the world for withholding intimate and domestic happiness from you toward the Real Housewives. Take it all out on those orangey, Botoxed broads. Put them to some use.
DON'T: Not Participate in the Holiday Season Because of Your "Art"
Deciding that December is a perfect time to polish up your poetry chapbook and holing up in your one-bedroom surrounded by partially-empty hummus containers like an insane person is not helping anyone. And certainly not helping you get closer to finding someone to make out with amid a tousle of discarded wrapping paper.
DO: Go About Your Bustling Business
Ice skate, shop for gifties, head to the store for pine-scented candles—whatever holiday errands and activities you can scrape together, do them in a cute outfit. Look around for other solo shoppers and be prepared to initiate prolonged eye contact. It's worth a shot. Uncoupled people have office Secret Santas they need to buy something crappy for, too.
DON'T: Troll For Dates Online
You shouldn't really do this, regardless of the season, but desperation is at an all-time high this time of year, so the creeps are out.
Happy holidays, friends. Unloneliness will be yours! Check out a bunch of other un- stuff and the smart car itself (in which you are not to drive home after one of these festive parties) at smartusa.com.