Better Talk to Your Kids About Sex All the TimeS

Sex talk! Chewing tobacco! Cholesterol drugs! Womb psychology! Weight coaching! Baby abdomen! Kiwi heart! Medication erection! And hearing loss, say what? Haha. It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—age-appropriately!

  • How do you make it easier to have "the sex talk" with your kid? Start talking to them about sex as soon as they can talk! "You know how you like... your toy? Yes, well. Imagine if you liked your toy so much you just couldn't help yourself and you had to fuck it! And fuck it! And fuck it some more!" Better just cut off their genitals.
  • South Asian people like to chew a lot of tobacco and get mouth cancer. They only like the chewing part, but look, might as well have a good attitude about the whole shebang.
  • Hey jerks, Lipitor is just as good as Crestor. That's right, I'm talking to you, jerk. With the Lipitor, and the name tag reading "Jerk Jones."
  • Do you believe that a fetus can sense the psychological state of its mother while in the womb? Haha, you superstitious twat. I mean on the fetus thing yes, you're correct, but I know you're a superstitious twat in general, in various other areas. Don't even get me started.
  • Turns out that "remote" weight loss coaching over the phone or the internet works just as well as in-person weight loss coaching. Not at all.
  • Sicko doctors were caught injecting liver cells into the abdomen of a living human baby. Lucky for them it happened to save the baby's life. You won't be so lucky next time, sickos.
  • Oh, kiwi fruits are great for your heart? Sure then, let's all just eat lots and lots of kiwi fruits every day... what's that? Now you say that kiwi fruit gives you deadly cancer of the eyeball? So sad you've been eating all those kiwi fruits, just based on what you thought was so-called "science." Consider this a parable, that is not "true" by the standards of—that's right—science. Think about it.
  • Men who take more medications of any type are at increased risk of erectile dysfunction. Experts say the best thing to do is just stop taking all your meds and die, for what is life without love. By "experts" we mean William Shakespeare, heating and cooling equipment salesman currently seven drinks deep at the hotel bar. (Not his real name.)
  • One in five Americans have hearing loss. What was that? Haha. I said, "What was that?" You're reading, but imagine I was saying it to you verbally.
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