Your Selfish 'Being Poor' Is Killing Our Economy

Good news, eagle-eyed watchers of economic indicators: women's heel heights are going down, which is a foolproof positive sign for our nation's finances.

Now for the bad news.

Although prices have edged lower recently, experts are pretty sure that the only way to get you Americans shopping again is to raise prices. (Why? You wouldn't understand. Not with your public education funding levels!) It could be worse: instead of arguing over how much flatscreen "doorbuster" deals should cost at 12:01 a.m. the morning after Thanksgiving, we could be arguing over the very future of our national economy and whether we must bear the pains of austerity.

We should be arguing over that, actually. Maybe later.

Right now, we're just feeling guilty about the terrible toll that our (unavoidable, necessary, and painful) decision to move back home with the parents is taking on our nation's macroeconomic growth prospects. How could we be so selfish, saving ourselves at the expense of landlords, movers, and the IKEA corporation? Selfishness will get us nowhere, fellow Americans.

In times like these, we must all put aside our shallow personal preferences and pitch in for the good of the whole. Yes, we know that none of you want to pay checking fees and account fees and ATM fees, but come on; you want free checking and you want to break up the "too big to fail" banks at the same time? And you want to yell at Wall Street at the same time? Uhh, pretty sure none of those activities will be helping corporate profits, geniuses! Where is this magical "economic recovery" you want so badly supposed to come from? The end of a marijuana pipe or "one-hitter?" In that case you're doing great, keep up the good work, unemployed citizens!

At home with your mom!

She's a nice lady. But her name ain't Citigroup. Get your broke ass out of the house. Scrape together some cash by any means necessary. And then give that cash to the banks. There's a recession on. We're all in this together.

[Photo: Jay Adan/ Flickr]