President Obama, who has supposedly quit smoking himself, took to the YouTube this week to congratulate Americans who are participating in something claustrophobically called the "Great American Smokeout." The annual challenge, which is today, encourages "smokers to use the date to make a plan to quit, or to plan in advance and quit smoking that day." Participants will be rewarded with hallucinations, angst, a quick temper, and a desire to eat or chew anything that's in front of them! Also, less cancer later on.
But before you smokers all get inspired to act on this peppy message from the President, you must know: If you all quit at once, millions of children will die! They will DIE, due to YOU and your selfish desire to look out for your health! Because when the President re-authorized and expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program as one of his first acts in 2009, he raised the necessary $32.8 billion in funding by hiking the federal tax on cigarette packs by $0.62. If you all quit, who will pay for the poor, sick children? Smoke up. We want you to smoke a whole four packs right now, while we run out and pick up our check from the tobacco companies' trade group. Think of the dying kids.