A Brief Guide to 'Ideas Man' Newt Gingrich's Latest Brilliant Ideas

Newt Gingrich is just a factory of rich, intellectual, stimulating ideas that no one has ever considered before, as Newt Gingrich is the only person who meets the intelligence threshold necessary to conceive him. Gingrich himself has been telling us this for 30 years, and finally — finally — we cretins have agreed to coronate him as president. Sorry, to keep you waiting, sir! Now that we've come to our senses, let's look at some of the impeccable policy ideas perfected each day in the Gingrich Idea Cave that will make it to the Gingrich Administration.

From only the last few days:

  • Repealing those "child laws" that are "stupid" and reconstituting public schools as feudalist janitorial colonies. Duh! Gingrich went to Harvard on Friday, bless him, so that the students could finally learn something for once. Specifically: "You say to somebody, you shouldn't go to work before you're what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You're totally poor. You're in a school that is failing with a teacher that is failing. I've tried for years to have a very simple model. Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they'd begin the process of rising." Why not make them do their scrubbing with toothbrushes, too? While the Master Janitor whips them? It may resemble slavery, but it's not, and slavery builds character anyway.
  • Giving average Americans a free online education from President/Professor Newt Gingrich. Duh! Jo Ling Kent of NBC News tweets the latest panacea that Gingrich unveiled today: "Gingrich says he is going to teach a free course if elected pres, to be distributed online like Univ of Phoenix." With this single move, Newt Gingrich eliminates the need for any education system on any level in the United States. Because there will be nothing else to learn, after watching this series of invigorating Newt Gingrich web videos. The "free" part may require some tinkering in the Cave, though. Newt Inc. doesn't "do" free, folks. Perhaps a hidden credit card skimming mechanism of sorts, just north of the legal/illegal border, would suffice. On the other hand, maybe keep it free, since that's already overpriced.
  • Send packages to the illegal Mexicans you can't find. Duh! This is the only one of these three ideas that Gingrich admits is a joke, although we can assume that he's still prviately taking it quite seriously. It's amazing: "FedEx and UPS track 24 million packages…. They allow you to track them at no extra cost. The federal government cannot currently find a million people. FedEx and UPS can track packages while they're moving; the federal government can't find people when they're sitting still! My policy is send everybody a package." [STANDING OVATION]. How did anyone not think of this application of modern technology? It's flawless. Don't worry about the details of how, precisely, the federal government will deliver packages to the people it cannot find. That's not a contradiction. It's post-contradiction. It's okay if you don't know what that means; it's covered in week three of the web video series.

[Image via AP]