UC Davis Lieutenant John Pike—star of the hit viral video I, Pepper Spray Cop and muse to culturally literate Photoshoppers worldwide—can now add "advice columnist" to his growing resume. Er, at least his fake online persona can.
At Pikescorner, Pike—who, Slackstory tells us, is really NYC-based film director Ryan Gielen—answers reader-submitted—or "reader-submitted"—questions about all manner of pedestrian topics, from how to deal with squirrels ("[t]ry pepper spraying the squirrel until his eyes bleed"), to how to deal with a texting-addicted teen ("My suggestion would be imparting some pepper spray on him until his eyes bleed. However, it's important to lecture him while pepper spraying him until his eyes bleed—this way every time he goes to text message while driving, he will retain what we call the 'sense memory' of the last time he thought about texting while driving"), to buying a hybrid ("[t]he Nissan Leaf looks cool").
"Many people think I'm just the guy who pepper sprayed a bunch of peaceful protestors, but there's so much more to me," writes Pike/Gielen on Pikescorner's "About" page. "I'm not all about pepper spray." This isn't actually true.
The general message of Pikescorner is that pepper spray can fix most problems. Luckily for you, canisters of pepper spray similar to Pike's are available on Amazon. Buy one for you and your loved ones! "The family that sprays together stays together," as our new friend and paramilitary-style version of Heloise might say.
While we're on the subject of not-really-John Pike's expanding digital footprint: Several fake Pike Twitter accounts now exist, including @LtJohnPike, @PepperSprayCop, and @PepperSprayPike. Looks like @PepperSprayPike has already made friendly with @fakehipstercop, inspired by O.G. Policememe Rick Lee; follow both of them and spend your work days monitoring their conversations/inhabiting a parallel universe.
If Occupy continues to produce policeman memes, someone should consider making trading cards.