If you thought that Ohio had cornered the market on aggressively sexual ghosts, you were wrong (as always!): Over in England, 73-year-old Doris Birch says she's had trouble going to sleep over these past four months because of the ghost who gropes her all night long.
"It's like an octopus," she tells acclaimed poltergeist news source Daily Mail:
‘I kicked frantically and it went away.
'I've tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress.
‘I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference.
‘This is very creepy and is giving me the jitters. It's harassing me.
'I need to call in the Ghostbusters.'
Throwing the mattress away seems like a really dumb non-solution. Ghosts don't care about the quality or brand of one's bed—they care about haunting and taunting. She's obviously undereducated about ghost culture and social mores.
A vicar swung by Birch's house to inform her that the ghost is probably a "lost spirit," but did nothing to drive it away. Maybe the husband-and-wife ghost-hunting team she's hired will resolve the issue.
If given the choice between ghosts who have sex in your living room—a la the ghosts who have been haunting Ohio resident Dianna Carlisle's house lately—or ghosts who pester you while you're trying to catch your beauty Z's, which would you choose? I'd definitely go with the former choice, because sleep deprivation can drive a person crazy after just a day or two. With the living-room sex ghosts you could always look away or even try to put up a curtain where they can have some privacy (unless they're exhibitionist ghosts, in which case they'll try to flaunt their sexuality). In conclusion, it's better not to be haunted by ghosts.