Mars rover! Disease frog! Shark protection! Wheezing baby! Explaining nothingness! Fire turkey! Excess antimatter! Tricky evidence! And your holiday outer space weather report! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—fishily!
- Mars rover this, Mars rover that. What now, Mars rover? The Mars rover found some methane. Great, good, good job, Mars rover. Can we watch the game now? Mars rover is playing.
- What is that, over there—a disease-carrying bullfrog? Oh. Okay. I thought it was a disease-carrying bullfrog. Disease-carrying bullfrog, I said.
- Okay now guys, we've been talking about it forever, what are we gonna do about those shark protection measures? Is "dressing sharks in suits of armor and holding shark jousting tournaments that are always supervised by a trained physician" one of the leading vote-getters among the options? Well back to the fucking drawing board then, gentlemen.
- When somebody says to me that feeding my baby fish before they're nine months old will help them avoid something called "the Pre-School Wheeze," I don't even pay attention, because, are you serious? I'm also deaf.
- What is the nature of nothingness? I don't know, why don't you do a whole fancy magazine section on the issue and tell me? That'll be $5.99, please? No it won't.
- Are "deep fried turkey fireballs" really a science thing? I don't know, but I want to make sure we get that deep fried turkey fireball SEO. Even scientists need SEO. How to have sex with a turkey, turkey sex, safe sex turkey, is turkey sex illegal, age of consent turkey, if I knew it was gonna be this kind of party I woulda stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes. And leftover recipes.
- Wayyyyy too much antimatter out there these days. Will trade you as much antimatter as you want, for matter (particularly gold).
- Here's how you can use evidence to fool even rational people: start a blog and do some sort of "science roundup" post for a while, get 'em used to it, then give them a setup that sounds like something out of a science magazine, and for the conclusion you can just say whatever you want.
- Storm's a-comin. On Saturn! Got you good. Motherfucker.
[Photo: Nick Harris/Flickr]