Make Chicago Its Own State, Say Nutjob GOP Legislators

Two Republican state legislators from the honorable part of Illinois have proposed legislation that would rid their state of Chicago—aka the Windy City, aka the Capital of Chicago Politics, aka Obama's Backyard, aka Rod Blagojevich's jogging grounds. Chicago is not their kind of town!

In their bill, State Reps. Bill Mitchell and (co-sponsor) Adam Brown—both of whom represent wholesome central Illinois communities you've never heard of—write that the people in Chicago and surrounding Cook County don't fit in with the rest of the state because they're all cheating, lying scumbags (reading between the lines a bit here). With their own state the Chicagoans could hold gay pride parades, abolish the death penalty, worship indie rockers at their Lollapalooza outdoor satanic music festivals, and follow the shining path of Tony Rezko, all 2,695,598 of them, as much as they wanted. And the rest of the state could finally pray, shoot, and watch the corn grow in peace.

"Our downstate values are being overshadowed by Chicago's influence over the legislative process," Brown complained to the Decatur Tribune. "The 2010 election swept a number of downstate Republicans into office, but the lame-duck Democrats passed a 67% income tax increase, along with civil unions and the abolition of the death penalty in Illinois. These liberal policies are an insult to the traditional values of downstate families." Yeah, down with that stuff! Down with Pitchfork and its fixie bike-riding army! Down with Grant Achatz and his weird contortionist food! Just say no to loopy Lupe Fiasco! Nobama in 2012!

[Journal Register, Decatur Tribune, via Huffington Post. Image via AP]