Thanksgiving is the perfect day to cherish those people and things that enhance your life: your family and Facebook friends, your computer, your favorite website, and many other, less obvious things that you might be overlooking. Such as?
Such as the fact that none of the items below apply to you! Unless some of them do, in which case be thankful that all the other items don't (yet). Be thankful that you are not:
- the resident of a town that's being overwhelmed by big, fuzzy spiders emerging from below the earth's surface to overthrow the mayor and turn all human residents into slaves.
- stuck in Arizona.
- stuck in Arizona and spending your holiday searching for the remains of airplane victims.
- being evicted from your home due to a housing code violation, leaving you and your special-needs son with no affordable housing option except your car.
- stranded on one of the less-livable alien worlds.
- being pepper-sprayed in the face by your uncle, whose name, coincidentally, is John.
- Arctic ice melting into the sea. How would anybody ever figure out where to contact you?
- a suicidal person in jail who is overwhelmed by despair and driven to hanging yourself with a bed sheet.
- being attacked by sharks.
- South Korea's presidential office, because North Korea would be trying to turn you into a "sea of fire" and that might sting.
- a feral cat with rabies. Nobody wants to adopt that kind of cat.
- being stripped naked by a vigilante horde in the middle of your town and laughed at by passersby until the police come and arrest you.
- a member of the Yanomami tribe of the Brazilian Amazon, oppressed by evil and greedy gold miners.
- a sweet little pup whose owners have died, leaving you to fend for yourself, grieve, and probably starve to death.
- Lindsay Lohan, with her terrible parents and personal life messes.
- one of the colorful dots on this map of car, bicycle, and pedestrian fatalities.
- a confused Russian kid who's addicted to crocodile and missing part of his arm flesh.
- being attacked by exploding manhole covers. Manhole covers can kill.
See, your life isn't so bad! Now here, have some more of this pumpkin pie that the supermarket bakery made for you.