Alright, guys, I have a confession to make: I broke Glee. Well, maybe not me alone, but I think I done broke it. I told it to stop being an insane mess that makes no sense and now it's just...a boring mess that makes no sense. Man, last night.

Can we talk about last night? Well, not really, because it's like an hour of my night is just gone. It was like I had a complete narcoleptic fit. It's just a big black space. It's like that time I woke up on the floor of the Phoenix with my scarf in the toilet, my underwear over my head, and staring at graffiti that said, "Beyoncé Shops at Strawberry." It's just not there at all because it was so damn boring.

Here is your recap: Santana came out of the closet for no reason and now her grandmother hates her, Sue Motherfucking Sylvester stole Coach Bieste's man, Brittany beat Babygay Kurt for school president, Rachel tried to stuff the ballot boxes so Kurt would win and she'd have a friend in New York but she turned herself in and now can't sing at sectionals, Shelby had sex with Puck and he's so stupid he told Quinn about it. There, that is the entire episode. That's what you missed on Glee. But you didn't miss much.


Now I'm just going to go through the songs and bitch about things. There were some things I like too, but this is going to be mostly bitching.

I hate when I have to bitch about Glee and I feel really bad because it seems like season three was going to be a course correction for season two, but trying to slow it down and make it make sense has sucked all the life out of this show that I used to love. Now I watch it and think, "Damn, when is this over so I can go and watch Storage Wars?" That's so sad. I'd rather watch a reality show about junk!


OK, so let's start the bitching with Kurt's wardrobe. While I appreciate sartorial innovation, why are we dressing him like FIT Ken Doll? A half-caftan by Balencia La De by Nicholas Guissepiagioaagioh. It's something out of a Fake Chloe video. Later he wears a knit fashion poncho cape by Obesity and Speed (or something). I don't even want to mention his gromitted neckerchief that he's wearing in the first scene, then he's wearing the half sweater, then he's wearing the neckerchief again. Did he do a costume change just to sing? Well, considering it is Babygay Kurt, then maybe. But look at Blaine. He is well-dressed and obviously into fashion, but isn't some sort of overdressed minstrel. I know we're keeping it in character, but can't we reign Kurt in a little?

Oh, this is a P!nk song. Whatever.

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Here is Puck singing a Melissa Etheridge classic to get Santana to come out of the closet. Yeah, I don't get it either. There was an excuse why the New Directions and the poorly named Trouble Tones were singing together, but there was never a reason. Well the reason was to get Santana to come out of the closet, but I never quite got the rationale behind it. Also, we're apparently not rehearsing anymore, we're back to "weekly lessons." Ugh.

There were two other things about this scene I hated. 1. Singing in the rehearsal room while all the other kids bop their heads. God, I am so fucking sick of this and it is boring. We want to see a musical with set pieces and production numbers and meaning and choreography. If we wanted to watch a karaoke contest we'd watch American Idol or X-Factor or America's Got Talent or The Voice. Just kidding, I wouldn't watch any of those, and I don't want to see it here.

2. Fix Puck's fucking mohawk! When we first saw him he was one of the sexiest men on the screen with his tight body and his "I don't give a fuck" haircut that looks like he got it for $12 at Lima Barber Co. Now it's all long and Beckham-y and like parted on the side. It's a fussy mohawk. How is that even possible? I bet it's a rug pasted on his bald head. I bet. Ugh.

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This was one of the highlights of the episode. This cover of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" was amazing. It took what should be a joyful celebration and made it into a dirge. Very inventive (check out Greg Laswell's version).

But why the hell is Finn singing it? And how did they take Santana being in the closet from something that had such emotional force when she slapped Finn at the end of last episode to something that is inexplicably solved by her friends singing her songs about girls? I would have loved to go on the emotional journey with her where she finally worked up the courage to come out, but it's not that. Did she get it from Finn from one of his whisper speaches in the hall? Where? I don't know. From this song? Why? It was a good song, but it didn't make me do anything except google "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Cover." She just did.

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This was my favorite part of the whole night. Not only because I love Bieste and I love Dolly Parton and I especially love "Jolene," but because this is what the show needs more of. This is a real musical number. It is Coach Bieste singing a song in her mind and we see her emotional state through the song. It's also the perfect song for the occasion, so it's just brilliant. 10s across the board for "Jolene".

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And just as "Jolene" was the perfect song for Coach Bieste to sing, this was the exact wrong song for Santana and the girls to sing after some jerk tells Santana he can cure her of lesbianism in the hall (PS—Why introduce a new character to do this? Why not use one of the existing football players or that asshole hockey guy who lost the presidential election? Why make it more complicated by adding a new character and having to make an introduction and whatnot? Why? WHY?). Glee is completely unable to restrain itself when there is an opportunity to dip into the Great American Katy Perry Songbook, even when it has nothing to do with the matter at hand.

The song that was needed was something about either "girl power" or a woman discovering she was a lesbian or "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" or something. Instead the girls help Santana rebuff a guy's advances by...singing a song about a heterosexual girl who makes out with another girl to turn on heterosexual men. Does that make any sense at all? No. None. It is is completely and utterly stupid.

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At least the show ended on a high note with a Rivera/Menzel/Colfer rendition of kd lang's "Constant Craving." Now this is a perfect song. It is literally about being a big old lesbian and finally admitting it to the world and was lang's big hit right after she came out in the early '90s as a gay pioneer in the entertainment industry. This is also an amazing song. Wisely, the writers expanded the meaning to be as much about the other characters as about Santana: Shelby is craving Puck, Kurt is craving freedom from Lima, Rachel is craving everything and getting nothing. Just all so good.

What I hated though was the scene with Santana's grandmother. OK, I love a coming out scene. There is nothing that makes me cry like a teenage homosexual of any gender coming out to friends, family members, or strangers. It is making me almost cry right now just thinking about it. But last night? Dry eyed. I just did not care. There is nothing that compelled me to care about Santana's grandmother (who we never even heard about before) and the whole thing just seemed so obvious and contrived. It seemed like a gimmick. It seemed like it was trying to make us cry, but didn't have the authenticity of emotion behind it to pull it off.

That is what defines Glee today. I thought the problem was the whiplash speed at which the plot was moving, but that wasn't it at all. The teeming heart of the show, that sad black thing that created so much sadness and comedy, that churned up so much hope and joy, that made us root for these loveable losers, is gone. Now all that's left is a corpse, and there is nothing more boring than that.